Summer Camp Sucks

I'm not very happy with my Dad right now.

He got me all excited about going to summer camp by bringing home all those shiny cool brochures about where I could go and instead my Dad decides I need some culture so he sends me to Korean Methodist Bible Camp. I'm not Korean! And I'm not a Methodist. I have no rhyme or reason to what I do through the day. And I've never read the Bible because Mr Teacher said that young kids need and education and should only read non-fiction. So I'm really not sure what the hell I'm doing here or what I did to piss Dad off.

When we got here we were split up into two groups called the North and the South. I was put in the South group even though I'm not from the South and I don't talk with a funny hick accent or vote Republican or own a gun or drive a pick-up or listen to Toby Keith. Instead of tents or cabins we have to sleep in old Hyundais. Luckily I got an Elantra so I have some room to stretch out and cats like to stretch and I'm a cat and I'm kinda worried about being around all these Koreans 'cause my brother Chuffy says that Koreans eat cats and I sure don't want to be eaten by a Korean before I get a chance to play tee-ball. So I asked if we get to play tee-ball and my counselor Mr Sum Young Guai said that yes, we can have tea. But first we had to find this girl named Kim Chi and bury her in the ground, but not to worry 'cause we'll dig her up later and eat her. Dad! Why the hell did you send me to Bible Cannibal Camp! I don't remember Jesus being gnawed .. he rose from the grave. Then again, I don't remember any stories about Jesus going to Korea. Maybe it was the Holy Ghost 'cause they have a city there called Seoul and it must be named after him.

Sure enough we had tea at lunch and I don't like to drink tea I like to drink white milk 'cause milk does a body good and my body wasn't doin' so good after lunch 'cause I was real hungry 'cause I couldn't eat anything 'cause they gave us chop-sticks and everyone knows that cats can't use chop-sticks 'cause we got no thumbs so I starved and Mr Sum Young Gai said I was a good example of showing solidarity with the starving people in the North who had no food. I sure am glad I didn't get picked for the North group! And I don't remember showing any solid dairy to anyone 'cause if I had cheese I sure as hell would have eaten it.

After lunch we played Demilitarized Zone with the kids from the North group. We all lined up on either side of this ditch and stared at each other and made faces for a long long time. It was like Red Rover without anyone coming over. The North kids had a loudspeaker and it was saying that our camp sucked and that the North camp was fun and everyone was happy and I sure do want to be happy and be cool so I snuck over to the North camp. I think their counselor is sick 'cause they call him Mr. Ill and they put on all sorts of shows to cheer him up. We all get on some bleachers and hold up different cards to make big giant pictures, but I don't think we did a very good job 'cause most of us don't have thumbs so we cant hold cards and so we couldn't make pictures so we were sent to go make plutonium. He's my favorite Disney character 'cause he's a funny dog without being overly stupid like that Goofy fella. We had to put on these rubber suits and cats don't like to put on clothes 'cause it messes up our fur and I don't remember any kinky rubber fetish gear being in the Bible so I said "no way" and I was told I was a traitor and I said yeah, I'll trade ya anything for some white milk 'cause I sure do love white milk and I was told that I should be happy with what I have and I said I don't have anything and they said neither did anyone in the North and I said this place sucks and they said no it doesen't and if Mr Ill hears you say that he'll shoot you and I said there are no guns in the Bible and they said so what and I said if you're gonna just make up things as you go along then I might as well go to White House camp and so they threw me out of the North camp and when I got back to my Hyundai they said I couldn't come back 'cause I was a traitor and I said hey, I already told those guys I have nothing to trade and they said I wasn't welcome here anymore and I said it's about time you guys act like a real church and start discriminating even when you preach inclusion and they said something in Korean that I'm pretty sure Jesus would never say and I was sent home.
Dad says he's sorry I didn't get to play tee-ball and he was gonna find another summer camp for me to go to . I sure hope he talks this over with Mom 'cause I'm kinda scared to find out where I'll end up next.