Mother's Day

Oh, holy cow, it's Mother's Day! It's the day we celebrate Mothers. I sure do love my Mom. My human Mom, who's really my Mom even though she's not my birth Mom, who's my real Mom, but 'cause my human Mom raised me and rescued me from that underpass in California, she's my real Mom. But I still love my real Mom (my birth Mom) 'cause she had me. My real Mom (human) can't have kittens. That'd be weird. And if she did have kittens, she'd be kidnapped by the government and experimented on and I sure don't want anybody experimentin' on my Mom, dammit! Stupid government. If the government really cared about Mom's, they'd make the holiday a real holiday by having it on a Monday so that Mom could take a three-day weekend. And put it in July when the weather's nicer. And send Mom a kicker check so she can buy herself something nice, 'cause her kids usually get her something crappy like a Whitman's Sampler or a stoopid Mylar balloon or a teddy bear. What the hell is a forty year old woman gonna do with a teddy bear? I'm four and I don't have a teddy bear. And what Mom wants to go to brunch? Like Mom's gonna be all thrilled to go to some lousy buffet where a hundred people before her have coughed and snotted and breathed all over her powdered eggs and room-temperaure crab salad that isn't even made with real crabs. To me, that sounds like what you do when you hate your Mom, and I sure don't hate my Mom! That's why I just got her a card for her to display on her desk at work. Nothing tacky, nothing ugly, nothing that she'd be embarrased to display (you ARE displaying that card aren't you Mom? All us kids picked it out and signed it and everything!). The other reason we didn't get her anything is 'cause we don't have any money and usually when Dad gives the kids some money to buy a Mom's Day present, they buy her what they want instead of what she wants, and I sure as hell can't afford tickets to Tom Waitts on my allowance. So maybe we can all chip in together and get her a belated Mother's Day present and buy her tickets to see her favorite bestest coolest singer ever (that's Tom Waitts, you know. I personally think he sounds like a goose being slaughtered, but if my Mom says he's cool, then he's cool. Scarlett Johannsen thinks he's cool 'cause she made a record of her own covers of his songs. She probably sounds like a goose being slaughtered, too, if it sounds anything like her rendition of the Pretenders in that karaoke scene in Lost in Translation. I like Bill Murray. He's in that movie, too. But I like him better in Meatballs. It's about summer camp! And I sure can't wait to go to summer camp!). So if you could help me make my Mom happy, you can send all your donations to the "Send Mom to see a Slaughtered Goose Foundation" care of my Dad. You just need to send enough for Mom and Dad. I can't go. Not 'cause I don't want to, but because we'd have to fly on an airplane to go see him 'cause he's not comin' to Portland. Cats can't fly on planes 'cause your ears get plugged up on planes and you have to chew gum to get them to pop and everybody knows you never give gum to a cat. Heck, we're even afraid of bubbles. Mom bought us some bubbles to play with and as soon as we saw them, we freaked out and hid. Bubbles are scary! Big floating baths is what they are and everyone knows cats don't like bubble baths, only tongue baths. Dad says there's a joke in there somewhere, but I don't get it. So you gotta send enough to cover tickets and airfare. And hotel. A nice hotel. Only the best for my Mom. She likes to take baths (bubble baths...I'm not sure about tongue baths) so the room has to have one of those big bathubs so Mom can soak and get all relaxed. And a rental car so they can get to the show! A big car, 'cause why would she want to cram herself into a little sub-compact after relaxing in the tub? They're probably gonna have to pay to park, too, so a couple extra bucks for that would be good. And they gotta eat and it's gotta be someplace nice 'cause this is for Mother's Day, remember, so no buffets! Oh, boy, Mom is gonna love this. Of course, she's probably read this and is planning on going and arranging her work schedule, so I sure hope you won't disappoint her, so get those checks in the mail ASAP! You don't want me to look like I don't love my Mom, do you? Oh for goodness sake, ya gotta help a Chicken out! Don't make my Mom hate me! Why are you making my Mom hate me? I just need a little help, and who doesn't want to help a little boy make his Mom's dream come true? So hurry up with those donations. You're gonna be contributing to the best Mother's Day ever! And don't you want to make a difference in someone's life? Be a giver, not a taker! And thank your Mom for her donation to our