Dude Ranch Camp

I sure was excited when my Dad told me I was going to Dude Ranch Camp, even though I wasn't quite sure what a Dude Ranch is. So I asked my brother Grover what a Dude Ranch is and he said it's a place where you go bowling and drink white russians. I asked him what a white russian is and he said they're all white 'cause when was the last time you saw a black russian and I said Grandpa loves black russians even though he won't vote for Barack Obama. So I'm a little confused and that's not ususally a good thing when Dad decides to send you off to camp.

So we get off the bus and there's a crusty old guy in a funny hat and a scarf and boots and big silvery jewelry and I asked him why he was dressed up like a girl if this was a Dude ranch and he said he was a cowboy and I said you can't be a cowboy 'cause cowboys wear football helmets. Then he called me "pardner". Oh boy I got a nick-name! Sure is better than being called Turd Blossom! He said his name was Cowboy Curtis and I got real excited 'cause if this was Cowboy Curtis then we were gonna be going to Pee Wee's Playhouse! Then again, I sure thought Cowboy Curtis was a little darker than this Cowboy Curtis, but they say that television adds a few ehtnic skin tones so I thought nothing of it.

We followed Cowboy Curtis hoping we'd get to pick which room in the playhouse we were gonna get to sleep in but instead he took us to this ring of tents around a firepit where all these other guys with funny hats were sitting and eating beans and farting a whole lot. This is where my brother Po should go for the summer 'cause he sure does fart a lot! So I asked Cowboy Curtis where the Playhouse was and he said they don't have a playhouse but they do have a henhouse and would we like to see it and I said okay 'cause I didn't want to make Cowboy Curtis mad or he might make his friends fart in my face and nobody likes a fart in the face except maybe German people 'cause they like all sorts of weird kinky stuff like that (my brother Grover told me that when I asked him what vinyl was but I'm still tryin' to figure out what that has to do with music...).

I thought I'd like the henhouse 'cause hens are chickens and I'm a Chicken and we chould all get along just fine and where there's chickens there's Gonzo and I sure did want to meet Gonzo 'cause he's a star and I was hoping to get his autograph. But when we went to the henhouse I couldn't find him and Cowboy Curtis said to pick out which chicken I'd like to have for dinner and I said I'd have to talk to them first to see which one I had the most in common with. Finally, I was gonna have a chance to be in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! But Cowboy Curtis said to just pick one but I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I told Cowboy Curtis to pick one out for me and he did. Cowboy Curtis said we'd have to clean the chicken for dinner and I said I didn't even know her name and I was kinda young to be doin' stuff like that and so Cowboy Curtis said to just watch (he must be German) and then he picked up the chicken and swung it around his head and killed her!!!!! Oh my god!!! Get me the hell out of here!!!! I don't want to be in Crazy German Poultry Snuff Film Camp!!!

So I ran back to my tent and hid under the covers until Cowboy Curtis came in a nd said he was sorry he didn't realize I was a vegetarian and I said wanted to go home and he said if I did I'd miss out on the coolest part of camp which was rustlin' cattle and I like to rustle things like plastic bags and cellophane so I thought that could be fun but I told Cowboy Curtis that just 'cause I was a Chicken doesn't mean he can swing ME around like he did to that other chicken or else my brother Grover would come over here and bust some serious ninja moves on his ass.

The next day Cowboy Curtis woke me up and said we had to go out into the fields to herd some cattle. I heard those bastards all night, freakin' moo-ing kept me up so I couldn't sleep. Cowboy Curtis said we'd have to ride horses to get there and I said "woo hoo!" 'cause I like horses 'cause Mr Ed was a horse and he was pretty funny and who doesn't like a good joke so I said sure Cowboy Curtis lets go ride some horses and so Cowboy Curtis took me over to meet my horse only his name wasn't Ed, it was Horse-on Wells so I said, crap, he's gonna be really pretentious but instead he was just kinda fat and wobbly and just a little drunk (he smelled like wine). We rode out to where the cows were and I knew we weren't in California 'cause theses didn't seem like happy cows 'cause they just kind of moped around and ate grass, but if it was California then they'd be playing practical jokes on each other and stuff, but instead, these were just a bunch of lame-o cows. Cowboy Curtis said it was time for them to get their brands and I asked him what that was and he said it was like a cow tattoo. Oh boy, these must be gang cows. So Cowboy Curtis makes a fire (I'm not allowed to play with matches) and puts this big stick in the fire and I get excited 'cause it must be time for smores but instead Cowboy Curtis takes his stick out of the fire and pokes one of the cows in the butt with it! What the hell is with these perverted Germans!? But I guess if the cow wants to be cool he's gotta get his tattoo so I guess it was okay, but I tell you what, I sure as hell won't be joinin' a gang anytime soon, no-siree-bob! No one's poking me in the butt with anything!

Cowboy Curtis said it was time to shear some sheep. He said it was like a barbershop for sheep and I sure do like that movie 'cause Ice Cube is cool and it takes place in Chicago which is where my Mom and Dad are from and I sure do like my Mom and Dad, well, maybe not my Dad when he sends me to crappy summer camps.... So we rode our horses over to where the sheep were hangin' out and Cowboy Curtis gave me some clippers and told me to get to work. I went up to a real raggedy lookin' sheep and asked him if he'd like a haircut but he didn't say anything so then I realized that these must be retarded sheep and Cowboy Curtis was doin' charity work, givin' retard sheep haircuts and all. I wanted this poor retarded sheep to feel special so I remembered how Mackenzie the Poodle had her hair cut at school and how everyone said it was attention grabbin', so I said to myself, Chicken, I says, lets make this retard sheep look special. When I got done I showed Cowboy Curtis my work and he must have really like it he didn't say anything for a long time. Then he came over and grabbed my clippers and made my retarded sheep completely bald! I sure was mad, but then I realized he did it so that the other retarded sheep wouldn't feel left out so I guess it was okay. I asked Cowboy Curtis what he was gonna do with all that fluff he shaved off and he said it was going to be made into sweaters and I thought that was kinda weird. Instead of making sweaters for the retarded sheep why not just leave 'em alone and not shave 'em in the first place?

The next day we learned how to lasso. We had a lhasa in our class last year but no one liked him 'cause he wouldn't shut up. Cowboy Curtis gave me some rope and I sure do like to play with string-like things. Cowboy Curtis said it wasn't a toy it was a tool and I said he was a tool for being so mean when all I was trying to do was play 'cause this was supposed to be summer camp after all and he grabbed the rope from me and swung it around his head and I tried to jump up and get it and when I came down I got caught up in the rope and when I tried to get loose I landed on Cowboy Curtis and my paw accidentally landed on his gun in his holster and it went off and it shot Cowboy Curtis in his foot. Boy was he funny jumpin' up and down like a cartoon. But then one of the farting guys from the camp called an ambulance and they took Cowboy Curtis away and so now there was no one to run the Dude Ranch so I was sent home. Great! Now I have to have Dad figure out where to send me next. I need a white russian, bad!