A Lost Opportunity

You know, cats don't like water. Even more than that, cats hate magic. Witches do magic, and they keep black cats as pets and Tupac, my brother, is a black cat and he doesn't belong to any kind of cult. But more than hating magicians, cats hate egocentric attention seekers who call themselves magicians. Yeah, I'm talking to you, David Blaine, you greasy Jeff Goldblum looking creepazoid. You don't do real magic, like Tyra Banks, who turns ugly chicks into America's Next Top Model. You just look for attention doing "stunts" like a three year old at the play area at the mall (look at me! look at me!). So this time your "magic trick" was setting the world record for holding your breath under water. But because your ego is bigger than your lungs, you had to suck on oxygen before you went in the tank, and that's cheating and magicians don't cheat, they manipulate the dark forces of the universe to do their bidding, like Ryan Seacrest. And, yay, ooh, yippie, you set a world record. Big deal. My brother Po sets the world record for biggest pee boulder just about every day and you don't see him prancing around the set of Oprah like he's the coolest dude in the world (that is totally Bob the Builder). So now I'm dissapointed in Oprah more than ever. She's the most powerful person in the universe, so who do you think would have argued with her if she had closed the lid on that water tank, locked it shut, and then gave everyone in the audience buckets to collect their tears of joy? She had a chance to make the world a safer place for magicians and cats and people with brains and she totally blew it. I'm gonna cancel my subscription to "O" magazine right away (besides, it doesn't have an activity page and I love activity pages). Boy I sure do miss Doug Henning.....