Germany

My Mom hates Germany.

She's never been there, and I've never been there, but Dad's been to the Germany at Epcot and he loved it. I think my Mom would like Germany because she's a very organized person, and Eddie Izzard says they're very organized in Germany 'cause they're Prussian, and I like Eddie Izzard because he knows, like I do, that giraffes are evil herbivores. And there aren't any giraffes in Germany, so I think I'd like it there, except at the zoo, and who goes all the way to Germany to go to the zoo? And like my Mom, I like things organized and in order. Don't go screwing with my routine! I get up and I simply can't eat if Dad doesn't put some kibble in my dish, even if it's full, he has to put some fresh kibble in or I just can't eat, and a cat's gotta eat or he won't grow up to be big and strong and impress certain meerkats by the name of Millie, and isn't it just cruel to deprive your kids of breakfast before school? Gee whiz, Dad, you're killin' me! Although I wonder if Germans would put weinerschnitzel in my dish, or sauerkraut, or struedel. Struedel would be good because I don't think I could eat a weiner dog. And they'd probably give me beer instead of water and I'm way too young to be drinkin' beer, although my brother Grover would love it, but the joke would be on him 'cause he'd just drink lots of beer until he got real fat and then he couldn't be a ninja anymore, he'd just be a sumo wrestler, but he'd be in Germany, so he'd probably just end up playing the tuba in a stupid oompah band. And I'd call him leiderhoser! But then he'd probably hit me, with his tuba, but I'd run away and escape in KITT, the talking Trans-Am. He lives in Germany 'cause that's where David Hasselhoff is king, and KITT is short for KITTEN, which is what I am, so we'd already have this bond, and I'd repay his kindness by taking him to Burger King ('cause he could get a paper crown there and be king of Germany again) and get him something he can eat in his bathroom, 'cause that's where he likes to eat (I've seen it on TV) 'cause it's efficient to eat where it's gonna come right back out...those Germans have it all figured out).

They have a wall over there, too, and everyone knows cats like to sit on top of walls (just like in those Tom and Jerry cartoons where all the neighborhood cats get together and sing when Tom gets stuck babysitting the bulldog baby and he's gotta make 'em all be quiet, but they come into the house anyway and start breaking stuff and the baby wakes up and cries and the big dad bulldog comes out of his doghouse and beats the holy bejeus crap out of Tom while Jerry sits by and laughs at him...that's great stuff....). But my Mom doesn't like it when we sit on top of walls 'cause once Po was sitting on top of the ledge at the top of the stairs and he fell off and dropped, like 800 feet, but he's a cat, so he landed on his feet, but it scared my Dad who almost had a stroke, and I don't want my Dad to have a stroke, 'cause then his eyeball would almost fall out and he'd just sit and drool, and we already have Henry to do that, and Tupac would be awfully sore if he wasn't the one who made Dad's eyeball fall out 'cause that's his super power: making people's eyeballs fall out. He says it's voodoo, but I don't remember Dad rescuing him from Haiti...So I guess I can't sit on top of the Wall. What the hell else am I supposed to do over there? Go to a stupid cabaret and watch some Teutonic Elvira-looking stormtrooperettes prance around in black vinyl bustiers to Falco tunes? Oh, wait, Grover, Dad, and Henry say that sounds like fun...I guess I'm just too young to go to Germany. There's not much for a young boy to do in Germany. Snoop Dogg took his family there for the MT-V Europe awards and he hated it, too. And if Snoop hates it, I hate it (although he eats an awful lot of chicken...that worries me). So I guess I'm gonna have to agree with Mom that Germany sucks...now we just have to convince Dad to go to India.....