My Birthday!!!!

Holy Crap! It's my birthday! Or as Diddy says, My Birfday! I'm gonna be three years old, which is 21 in people years, so let's load up the party wagon and head on over to Hooters for some shooters! But screw the chicken wings, well, because......And don't surprise me with any clowns or balloon animal maker people. You should never try to stuff an animal in a balloon. But I do like the blow-up bouncy castles, but then Mom would have to clip my claws and that sure as shit ain't gonna happen. Maybe we'll go to Chuck E Cheese. No, Chuffy and mice, not a good combo. Or Wet and Wild. But you've never seen Po try and get a bath. Mini golf could be fun, but Stella would just chase the balls and bring 'em back (and hit on the caddies...cats need caddies for all kinds of golf...) Ooooooh, skate party! Elvis on ice! But if we have a party, Mom says we have to be polite and invite everyone from my class, and I sure as hell don't want to have Jimmy the Monkey anywhere near my birthday cake. He'll fling it before I can eat it! So I think we might just stay home with my brothers and sisters and play pin the tail on Dad. You can totally send presents, though. What three year old doesn't want presents?

I want:

Transformers

Power Ranger (not the stupid red one)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Matchbox cars

Tori Spelling action figure

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Rock 'Em Sock "em Robots

A vibrator

New Mittens

Legos

Lincoln Logs

Tinkertoys

Viewmaster

Barrel of Monkeys (just kidding)

Han Solo action figure

A dick in a box

Teddy Ruxpin

My Little Pony ( the blue one)

GI Joe

Baby wets-her-pants

Hulk Hands

The Ron Jeremy Home Video Kit

Criterion CollectionWeekend at Bernies

Snoopy Snow Cone Machine

Two pairs of blue Zips

Colorforms

Chloroform

Season passes to the Met

A first edition "Also Spake Zarathustra" by Friederich Nietzche

A "Bachelor" runner-up

Mousetrap

Bubbles

Mr Microphone

6 grams of plutonium (Chuffy asked me to ask for that)

Jenna Jameson

A bottle of Jameson

World Peace

Please wrap the gifts you send, 'cause cats actually love the wrapping better than the gift. And just like Jesus, I am a gift to the world and you should celebrate me by using your tax return to buy me stuff.

No myrrh, please.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!