My New Year's Resolutions

Ooooh, boy, it's a new year, and Mom says you're supposed to make resolutions. I thought I was a good cat, but I guess I need to explore my inner id and integrate my colloquial foibles with my latent primordial urges and find a plane of peaceful existence on which to find balance for my spiritual chakras. Or as Mom calls them: resolutions.

So I guess the first thing I resolve to do is to work out more. Mom says that's usually the first thing on anyone's resolution list. She says I gotta get into shape for Millie...work on my guns! So I'm gonna start hitting the free weights, some cardio, a little pilates. You, know, just get my work-out on. Ooooh, I better find my sweat band....

And then I'm gonna try to be better about chasing my sisters. But, see, Henry just lays under the table all day, so if I chase her, she gets some much needed exercise, and if I chase Cibby, well, it's good for old folks to get some exercise, too. So I promise to chase them a little more so that they feel better!

And to be nicer to Bob, the purple jingle ball.

Just kidding. I'm gonna smack that silly bastard around until he's purple for a reason! Lucky for Bob you can't water-board a jingle ball...too many holes. But I'm not really sure that the Geneva Convention applies to jingle balls...poor Bob.....

I resolve to let Mom and Dad pet me more. It sure feels good, but something tells me that one day instead of petting me they're just gonna rip my fluffy little head off and feed it to the coyotes out back, so I still gotta be careful about letting them get too close. Humans are sneaky that way.

And I'm not gonna watch as much reality TV as I did last year. If only because "I Love NY 2" has spoiled it for all others...nothing can ever be better! I just can't believe she picked Tailor-made! He's a total puss! I think Po should try out for "I Love NY 3"...totally made for each other!

I resolve to keep hating George and Izzy (stupid whores).

And I promise to cover up my poop in the poopy box every time (unlike some other cats who just scratch the couch....)

And thank Dad every time he gets Bob out from under the stove from when I smack his sorry ass under there (you can run but you can't hide, Bob).

I promise I'll do all my homework and look both ways before crossing the street and eat all of my lunch before I eat any dessert, and only drink white milk even though I could have chocolate if I wanted.

And I resolve to keep on hating giraffes. Evil herbivores!

I'll be better about letting Dad get the boogers out of my eyes.

And I'll try not to snore so loud.

And do good in school.

And not let Mr Teacher's drinking, drug-use, and social prejudices influence me as I grow and find my way in the world.

I sure am looking forward to 2008...it's gonna be great!