The Oscars

Juno what? I'm sittin' here, drinkin' my MILKSHAKE, and gettin' all excited about the Oscars. I think it's cool they give awards out for such a Grouch, but I thought they'd be green, not gold. And they only give out awards for stupid things, like Art Direction. Who is this guy Art and how does he end up in every freakin' movie? They should give awards for things like, best performance by an animal, or best use of an overused cliche. Instead, I have to figure out if the old dude who's close to death is gonna get the symapthy vote instead of the guy from The Fugitive. Or that chick who owns all those Ruby Tuesday restaurants. She looks old. They should just call them the Oldscers and give out golden jars of Metamucil. Ellen Page isn't gonna win for making getting knocked up in high school look like fun. And Juno isn't gonna win 'cause it's funny. Funny movies don't win awards, unless it's the MTV Movie awards. Well, Dances With Wolves was pretty funny (Tatonka....hillarious!). And it's not even gonna be a funny Oscar show anyway: I LOVE those Billy Crystal singing montages. Or they should get back David Letterman (Uma, Oprah....classic!). Or Chris Rock, 'cause now that my Dad says we're gonna have a black man for a President, they should lead everything. Even my first grade class, 'cause let me tell ya, Mr. Teacher is a bitter old caucasian. A drunken, chemically dependent, mysoginistic, jingoistic, chauvinistic cracker.

So who's gonna win what? I don't care, 'cause Hannah Montana isn't up for anything, but I promised my Uncle Bob I'd give him a run for his money...

Best Actress: Laura Linney, 'cause I like names that have the same initials.

Best Actor: My brother Grover says it should be Viggo 'cause he says he fights badder than any other MoFo (my aunt's name is Mo, but I'm not sure what that has to do with fighting...)(and what's a Fo?)...(oh, I guess a Fo is something that's fake....I'm so confused....)

Best Supporting Actress: Saoirse Ronan, 'cause how hillarious is it gonna be watching someone try and read THAT name off the card....

Best Supporting Actor: I don't know any of these people, so I don't care! Write in candidate: Bumblebee from Transformers!

Best Director: Who did "The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland'?

Best Picture: High School Musical 2 !!!!!!!!!!! (Or Juno...she had a hamburger phone....)

Oh, they're playing the music now, so I gotta go. I'd like to thank my Dad for helping me write this page, my Mom for being my inspiration, my brothers, Po, Grover (go Ninja!), Elfie, Toopie, my sisters, Cibby, Henry and Stella, and I wanna shout out to my band, my class, and, wait, wait, I wanna give, wait, hang on, I wanna give my love to Millie, I sure couldn't do it without you, oh and one more thing, wait, wait, one more thing, I DON'T thank Jesus, he had nothing to do with this, so Jesus, thanks for nothing! I love you all! Thank You!!!!!