I want a chocolate Jesus in my Spring Break basket

Oh boy, am I confused about this whole holiday. I didn’t know Jesus was Irish, ’cause the Irish throw celebrations when someone dies, and we call the day Jesus died Good Friday, then give each other chocolate bunnies and hop a party bus to Cabo. I can’t go to Cabo. It’s not ’cause I’m too young, ’cause I’m a big boy, but I noticed on MTV that when you’re in Cabo, you have to keep your arms in the air and yell "woo hoo!!!!", like all the time, and I can’t keep my arms in the air ’cause then I’ll fall over (I’m a 4-legger). And I don’t have a tat of barbed wire around my arm, so I wouldn’t fit in. Or a beer bong. Or a whore on my arm. Or a desire to be anywhere near Carson Daly. My name isn’t Tara Reid....

So for Spring Break I’m gonna eat lots of Easter candy. I get Peeps and malted milk balls because Jesus died for my sins. And the Easter Bunny brings them because the Easter Nun would be way too scary. And nuns are usually old and slow (unless they’re rapping knuckles, then, hoo boy, watch out! But I don’t have knuckles, and don’t go to Catholic School (’cause Dad says he doesn’t want to pay to have me molested) so I have nothing to worry about), so they can’t cover that much territory very quickly, so not everyone would get their Cadbury Creme Eggs, and, really, who wants to wait in a line at the mall to have their picture taken with a Nun?

And Jesus must have had really bad cholesterol ’cause he sure seems to have like eggs a lot, ’cause I don’t think bunnies lay eggs. That must have been what they had at the last supper. I would have had tuna fish. And white milk (I’m too young for wine, and it really wasn’t wine was it, no, it was blood, and I’m no damned vampire, except on Halloween, which, ironically, is another candy-centric holiday). Of course the Easter Tuna would really pose some Easter Basket delivery problems. Then again, fish lay eggs, which would make sense. But Jesus freaks put pictures of fish on their cars, so maybe the Easter Tuna catered the last supper and served eggs and chocolate and rabbit, passed around a wicker tip jar and that’s how we come to get baskets full of chocolate eggs delivered by a giant pink rabbit in a velvet vest. Ands why the hell does the Easter Bunny wear a vest and nothing else? Makes as much sense as Donald Duck wrapping a towel around his waist after getting out of the shower. And why is he pink? Is he a commie? Commies believe everyone gets an equal share of everything, but not everyone gets a tasty Easter Basket. My friend Manny the Manatee doesn’t get a tasty basket at Easter. And my friend Abdul the Aardvark doesn’t get a tasty Easter Basket. And my friend Mackenzie the Poodle doesn’t get a tasty Easter Basket (but that’s because she’s a dog and chocolate kills dogs...too bad it doesn’t kill monkeys). And why don’t we do little foil wrapped chocolate Jesus treats? It’s his big day. Rising from the dead and all. So we should have, like, sour gummy tombstones, or Holy Ghost Peeps. And Sweet Tart Mary Magdalenes. Christians have crosses everywhere: in church, around their necks, so why not Reeses Peanut Butter Crosses? Nobody has really thought this whole holiday out, have they? And the Bible isn’t really clear as to which Spring Break destination Jesus went to after rising from the dead. Cabo? Daytona? Oh, wait, I know...

Padre!

So this year, I’m hoping the Easter Nun brings me a basket of tuna and a ticket to LA.....I wanna go to the Playboy Mansion and see some real Easter Bunnies!

Just don’t tell Millie.....