Independence Day!

Everybody loves birthdays, and I sure do love birthdays and today is the country's birthday so it's a pretty big birthday! It's the day that George Jefferson wrote the Decoration of Independence and told Curious George that he wasn't the boss of him anymore. And to celebrate we blow ourselves up with firecrackers and wear American flag bikinis. At camp, we honored our nation by watching an epic film about our most solemn holiday.

The great auteur Roland Emmerich has sewn together a tapestry of apocolyptic fabric to wrap us up in an imagined scenario of American bravado in the face of hostile interstellar insurgents. "Independence Day" scared the poop out of me! The jilted boyfriend from "Sleepless in Seattle" is the President!? Now that's scary.

So these big alien spaceships (that look an awful lot like the spaceships from the eighties mini-series "V") go to all the big cities in the world and the dude from "The Fly" is all smart and figures out they're big fat meanie heads and because of a convenient plot device, he's got access to the White House to try and save the world. How is it that every movie this fella is in, his love interest is totally a hottie? Although realism does creep in with the President character. You've got a young inexperienced fella with a slightly dumb look in his eye who only becomes popular after his country is attacked and he slips on a flight-suit.

And then Will Smith wakes up and he goes pee only he doesn't have any manners 'cause he pees with the door open but I guess it doesn't matter 'cause he's hooked up with a stripper who's totally hot and now my suspension of belief has been shattered because strippers never look like Vivica Fox (usually more like Redd Foxx...).

They try to say hi to the aliens but they totally screw up the whole "Close Encounters" light-show greeting and so the aliens totally go off and starts blowin' stuff up like it's Grand Theft Auto IV. I don't know how we're gonna win against them when we let Harry Connick, Jr. be a fighter pilot. We need Wedge! He's like, the only supplemental character to make it through "Star Wars", "The Empire Strikes Back", and "Return of the Jedi." Might as well put Harry in a red shirt and beam him up now.

Cousin Eddie from "Christmas Vacation" is still an alcoholic livin' in a trailer hammin' it up for comic relief. But this time his kids are Hispanic. National Lampoon's Alien Invasion...

Then the old guy from "Taxi" (no, not Jimmy Fallon) drives The Fly from New York to Washington, D.C. in less than five hours during a massive evacuation of the largest city in America. Then he just calls up his old hottie biscotti who just happens to be the aide to the President and she says, sure, come on over, and then he tells the President that he's about to be served a big ole glass of whoop-ass.

KABLAM! Every famous place in the world gets exploded!

Will Smith goes "oh no, you didn't!" and gets all Tom Cruise and gets up in his plane and fights the aliens (whose mini-ships look an awful lot like the Cylon ships in the original "Battlestar Galactica"...) and he shoots one down and goes running up to the alien ship and cold-cocks smelly alien dude and tells him "welcome to Earf!" Just remember that this is a movie and you're not supposed to welcome anybody anywhere with a punch in the face, unless it's a smelly alien that tries to blow you up. Or a giraffe.

They totally nuke Houston! That's awesome...

Holy poop! Commander Data is in this movie, only he's undercover for Starfleet 'cause he's got hippie hair and he's not in his uniform. The President tells him to show him the alien they captured and the alien makes Data talk funny and it tells them that they're all gonna die so Jayne from "Serenity" pops a cap in alien ass. The Fly gets drunk but it makes him figure out how to kill the bad guys and you've gotta be drunk to believe what he comes up with. The aliens must have built their spaceships with parts from old Apple computers 'cause The Fly just plugs his laptop right into the dashboard of the mini-ship they captured and can read all their computer screens and everything.

Deus Ex Macintosh.

So The Fly and The Fresh Prince of Bellair go up into the mother ship and "give it a cold" and it explodes in a big giant green Nyquil explosion and Cousin Eddie flies up the alien ship's butt and constipates it into oblivion. And all this great stuff happens coincidentally on the Fourth of July. It makes sense, though. Lots of explosions, hyperbole, and Will Smith. We just can't have a Fourth of July weekend now without a Will Smith vehicle to drive our patriotism. I'm sure Founding Father Gomez Adams would agree.

Fiddle-de-dumb is more like it....

I just sat through the longest movie ever in the whole world 'cause my Dad says it's my Grandma's favorite movie and I sure do like my Grandma so I said, sure, I'll watch this movie, only I didn't know I'd be six hundred years old by the time it was over, and I still don't know why it's her favorite movie 'cause she's not from the South, she doesn't have a Mammy, and she hasn't gone crazy and killed herself.

"Gone With The Wind" is a story about history which is stuff that happened in the past and where people wore big clothes and hated black people. There's this whiny girl who sounds like my sister, Stella, and she wears a big dress and she's sittin' on a swing (I sure do like to sit on the swings, but don't push me too far, or I'll puke!) and there's these two guys and they're hittin' on her and even though one of them is Superman, she doesn't care about them, she just uses them for attention, like it's an episode of "The Hills." Her name is Scarlett O'Hara and she's at a party and there's this guy she likes, only I think he's kind of a wussy boy and looks like a fish, and his name is Ashley.

Hee hee, he's got a girl name...

All the Ashley's I know are girls. Actually, brainless, flighty girls. You know, like Ashlee Simpson and Ashley Olsen. And Scarlett thinks Ashley's stupid 'cause he's gonna marry his cousin, Melanie. I sure am confused 'cause they said this was takin' place in Georgia, not West Virginia, and everybody knows you can't marry your cousin or you'll have "special" children, you know, with like, three eyes or a proclivity towards drooling.

Anyway, Scarlett gets all drooly herself over this pasty floppy foppy poppy and her Mammy tells her to shut the hell up, only I don't think that's her real Mammy 'cause they don't look related at all (bad casting). But Scarlett sneaks downstairs at the party during nap time (doesn't she know that nap time is the best time of day, other than snack time, or playtime, or petting time, or "So You Think You Can Dance" time?) and spies on her man, but instead she gets caught peekin' at Rat Butler. If she's so rich, why's she lookin' at the butler? She follows Ashley into a room and she tries to kiss him and get him to break up with his girlfriend only he won't 'cause he's a "gentleman" and he leaves and she throws a vase across the room (and she doesn't even live there and she's throwing around Ashley's stuff so I really don't think she respects him or she wouldn't break his things) and Rat Butler pops up from behind the couch and he laughs at her 'cause she's a whorin' fool and he tells her to carry a handkerchief only everybody knows only Grandmas carry hankies and usually up the sleeve of a sweater, so I'm thinkin' she's not gonna listen to him.

Then the War starts (bang a gong, it is on!) and our little Harlot O'Hara grabs the ugliest guy she can find and asks him to marry her. It's like the Bachelorette without a hot tub. But her new husband, Charles Hamilton, dies of ammonia and so now she has to wear black but this was before the days of the little black cocktail dress, so it's not as kinky as it sounds. She goes to this dance to raise money for the soldiers and Melanie (uh, she married that Ashley fella) she gives her wedding ring to "the cause" and a light from heaven shines down on her and she glows like a saint and she becomes the paragon of altruism for the remainder of this historically inaccurate portrayal of Southern hegemony. So Scarlett says, me too and gives her ring to 'the cause' but Rat Butler just laughs at her and then he bids on her like a white-slave whore in an Amsterdam shop window. But they just dance, and not even a cool dance, like a crump routine or anything, just some lame square dance. They don't even do square dancing on "Dancing With The Stars" for Jimminy Christmas sake! So far, the South sucks.

Suddenly it's Christmas and even though it doesn't snow in the South you think they'd make an effort to make it look a little Christmasy. Put up some tinsel, or blinky lights, or inflatable snowmen. You gotta cheer up those troops! Someone tries to cheer up the troops by donating money to a hospital, but she's a professional whore (unlike that amateur Scarlett) and her name is Belle (like in "Beauty and the Beast" which is a great movie 'cause the candlestick talks and he sounds funny 'cause he's got an accent, but that's not the candlestick's name, Belle. The girl in the movie is named Belle, only she's not a whore) and Belle is a friend of Rat Butler's and she's only trying to help but all the old biddies, they turned their noses up at her like she was a whore or something (that's called irony) but Miss Melanie, she of the unfloundering great benevolence, takes the money anyway and smiles at Belle and for a moment, all is right with the world.

Then BAM!!!! Sherman Helmsley attacks the city and Scarlett goes running off into the crowd and she sees Big Sam who's one of her slaves and instead of smackin' her white privileged head with the shovel he's carrying and running away in the midst of chaos and confusion, he just tips his hat and tells her that her Mom is dying, and then just saunters off with his gang of friends.

Cap'n Butler to the rescue! He swoops her up and carries her off but she's gotta go get Miss Melanie who's home all knocked up and ready to pop only Prissy, the Paris Hilton of slaves, don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies and she just wanders around pretending she can sing and Scarlett slaps her like every red-blooded American wishes they could slap a Hilton. So suddenly there's a baby only I don't remember seeing the stork (maybe he got captured by the Yankees. And why are all these people so afraid of some baseball players?) and they all load up in a cart and they go off to find Tara Reid only I don't know what she can do for them. But before they can get where they're going, Rat Butler dumps their butts on the side of the road and goes off to be war hero instead of Scarlett's lapdog.

When they get home, it's all ghetto and looks like a crack house but they go inside and they find her Dad only he's gotten goofy and her Mom is dead and they don't have anything to eat and Scarlett goes out into the field and finds a carrot in the ground and eats it like Buggs Bunny but she doesn't say "What's up , Doc?', she just whines about never going hungry again. Go to the store and buy some groceries, sheesh! Apply for food stamps! Go get a job! Tears don't pay for food!

Intermission (why such a fancy word for "pee break"?)

Scarlett starts puttin' the house back together when a damned filthy Yankee sneaks into the house and tries to steal her stuff but she shoots him in the face like a smooth-ass gangsta and buries him in the back yard like dog buries a bone (cats don't bury anything except their poop so I don't really understand this metaphor).

Then the war is over and the Yankees won and now she owes them some money only she doesn't have any so she steals Carol Burnett's idea and makes a dress out of the curtains and goes to see Cap'n Butler who turned out to be a crappy war hero 'cause he's in jail now. He's got all his money tied up in off-shore accounts so she asks her sister's beau to marry her (who I thought would be named JR 'cause her sister is Sue Ellen, after all) She wants all his money and he says yes 'cause he's a Kennedy and we all know which head Kennedy's think with around women. She totally dissed her sis! But he's a rich Kennedy (aren't they all) and they go into business with wuss-boy Ashley who survived the war because he was most likely mistaken for a girl and it's rude to shoot a girl, unless it's Angelina Jolie and your name is Brad Pitt and you just found out you've both been hired to snuff out the same target.

One day on the way home from the mill she owns, Scarlett is attacked by a band of ruthless paparazzi and so Ashley and Rhett and Frank (that's our Kennedy friend) go out and try and beat the crap out of these guys only they get their butts handed to them 'cause Ashley gets shot and Frank is killed. So now that she's single again, little miss Erica Kane gets married again, only this time to Cap'n Butler. He builds her a McMansion in the 'burbs and they have a kid and name her "Bonnie Blue" which is, like, a stupid name 'cause when you name a kid after a color, you're just askin' for trouble (it's not like Pink is an easy listening artist...). Scarlett has everything so naturally she still wants her little girly-man Ashley. Makes as much sense as Ethan Hawke cheatin' on Uma Thurman with that cow of a nanny (and cows make terrible nanny's 'cause all they do is eat and fart and why pay someone to do that, unless they're gonna be on "Big Brother"?). So Rat Butler decides to take his woman! And he carries her up the biggest flight of stairs in the world and then they go into a room, and then it's morning! I think I got a bad copy of this movie 'cause I didn't see what they did next! Whatever it was, it sure made Scarlett happy (maybe he bought her a Lexus 'cause that's what all the spoiled girls get on "My Super Sweet 16").

Rat Butler decides to go on vacation to London with Bonnie (I totally would have taken her to Disney World...it's only one state over!) but she hates it and wants to go home (totally should have taken her to the Magic Kingdom...) and so they go home and when they get home he says he wants to leave again only she says he can't cause she gonna have a baby (maybe this time I'll see the stork come) only they both wish they weren't having a baby so Rat Butler jinx's her and she falls down the stairs. Then, 'cause karma is a fickle bitch, Bonnie gets killed when she falls off her pony. If she had gotten a My Little Pony instead of a real one, this wouldn't have happened, and then Rat Butler goes and shoots that poor pony! What the hell kind of horror movie is this!? I guess if you're evil enough to own slaves, shootin' a pony is nothing.

Then Melanie gets sick, again (it's like an episode of "House" with this woman) and she dies and Scarlett realizes that now that she can have Ashley, she doesn't want him after all (who wrote this crap?) and runs home to tell Rat how much she loves him but he's totally sick and tired of her crap and leaves her ass. So she gets all whiny and is all, like, what am I gonna do? And Rat, total bad-ass that he is, just puts on his pimp hat and tells her "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Boo-yah, toast! Take that, you selfish hootchie cracker beeotch! Smack!

Rat Butler is totally awesome.

So, just like a Beverly Hills celebutant, she shrugs it off with a pithy "tomorrow is another day...." Nice attitude. Your husband just left you, you've had a miscarriage, lost a child, your only friend just died and you just toss off a casual colloquialism? I sat through a third of my life to watch all this crap happen to her and she's all, just, whatever? I hope when she gets upstairs her Mammy slaps the crap out of her.

I sure did like this movie, you betcha!

Since I liked "O, Brother, Where Art Thou" 'cause it has George Clooney in it, I thought I should watch another movie that's got George Clooney in it, and I sure do like George Clooney 'cause he's Mr. Cool Hollywood and all the girls like him so if I can be like George Clooney then I'll be sure to get Millie this year once we get back to school. So I better watch some more George Clooney pictures. And if we was cool enough to be in one of the Coehn Brothers' movies, he's just gotta be in another one, right?

No, wrong! This movie, "Fargo", has, like, some of the ugliest people I've ever seen in a movie. There's this guy who wears a lot of brown corduroy and he's real funny lookin', you know, just, like, uh, you know, funny lookin'. And he gets paid by the dad from "Pleasantville" to kidnap his wife 'cause she left him to go live on Wisteria Lane, and he's funny lookin' too, only he talks, funny, too, you're darned tootin'.

So, um, the first five minutes are the only part of the whole movie that takes place in Fargo, so I really think this title was a misnomer, only, who really wants to spend two hours in Fargo? Heck, they pay people now just to stay and live in North Dakota. Those people must be real rich.

And the dad, his name is Jerry, he's a car salesman, so already you know he's a total loser, and he he must be a big Bill Cosby fan 'cause he wears a lot of sweaters. He's a big loser 'cause he's stealin' from his dad-in-law even though he lets him work for him and everything, so not only is he an ungrateful lyin' stealin' bastard, he's not even cooperatin' with him!

So instead of gettin' pancakes (which are really fun when you make a face on them with your bacon and eggs or you can make Mickey Mouse pancakes, or chocolate chip pancakes which is like eatin' dessert for breakfast, so I don't know why they didn't stop and get pancakes), funny lookin' guy and his friend, Mute, they um, go to Jerry's house and they see the Mom sittin' on the couch knittin' another sweater for Jerry and when she sees them standin' outside on the patio she doesn't do anything until they start breakin' the door and if she had half a brain she would have already been on the damned phone callin' the cops! They break in and she bites Mute and runs upstairs and he says "unguent" and goes upstairs to get some 'cause if you're already breakin' and entering to kidnap someone, you can kinda help yourself to whatever you like, I guess. When he's in the bathroom, she jumps out of the shower with the shower curtain on her face 'cause she must be kind of retarded or something (and I know she sounds retarded, too, but everybody sounds retarded from Minnesota, except Prince, 'cause he's a sexy motherf....). You can't run very far with a shower curtain on your face, so she falls down the stairs and now is conveniently wrapped up to be carted off.

But they get pulled over on their way out of town and funny lookin' guy tries to bribe the cop only the cops are totally honest there in Minnesota 'cause everybody is mostly like Garrison Keillor and just tries to be nice, unless you're a car dealer, a funny lookin' guy, or a mute. So funny lookin' guy, who doesn't have a name in this movie, so let's call him Steve ('cause he looks like he might not be from Minnesota and Steve isn't really a Minnesota-sounding name...), he shoots Mr. Policeman and this car goes by and Louie Anderson is in it and he gets chased by Mute and they get into an accident and he doesn't even call a tow-truck, he just shoots them instead (maybe his AAA membership expired and he couldn't afford a tow truck...).

There's this lady cop who's gonna have a baby and her husband hates her 'cause he makes her work in a dangerous job where she's gotta wear a lot of heavy stuff and he just sits home in his p.j.s and paints ducks, but he's nice sometimes and makes her some eggs, which is kinda Freudically weird in that she's got an egg growing inside her and she eats and egg which is her subconscious telling her that the egg that will become her young will eat her career unless she eats it first. But she pukes it up later, so, oh well.

The bad guys must have taken the kidnapping job 'cause they can't afford heat or color TV. But since they killed some people they have to ask for more money 'cause they know they're gonna have to get lawyers and lawyers are expensive and you can't really defend yourself in court if you get caught, unless it's like The People's Court, but I don't think they do murder trials, but if they did, boy oh boy would Judge Judy be fun to watch! Since they asked for more money, Jerry has to try and sell a parking lot, only his father in law isn't a bank, Jerry. Yeah, we're not a bank Jerry, so go throw a temper tantrum with your window scraper, Jerry.

Then Steve goes to a rock concert starring Jose Felicty Ono at a hotel and then does the boom-chick-a-boom with this bottom-barrel Barbra Streisand-lookin' girl and a big giant Indian comes in and beats Steve with a belt. He knows Steve is bad 'cause you only get hit with the belt if you've been bad, or you're German. So Steve calls Jerry and tells him to bring his money now only Jerry is a doofus and can't do anything right (remember, he's a car salesman) so Mr. Father In Law goes instead and he puts on his big green parka (he looks like a geriatric Incredible Michelin Man Hulk) and he goes up to a parking garage and after they argue, Steve shoots old guy but old guy shoots Steve in the face (must be a Steve thing 'cause that Steve guy on Jackass is always gettin' shot in the face with something). I don't think Steve was gonna give the mom back 'cause she wasn't even in the car so it was gonna be a bad day for Gramps anyway.

But it was a worse day for the parking garage attendant who gets totally blasted away by Steve and Jerry goes up tothe garage to see what's goin' on and he puts gramps in the trunk and goes home and acts like nothin' happened. Jerry must be in the mafia. They're dead-people-in-the-trunk-and-fuggedaboutit-people. You're darned tootin'.

For no reason at all there's this guy named Mike Nakamura who stalks pregnant cop at the Raddison and tells her he always liked her only I'm not sure I would be makin' passes at a married pregnant woman who is fully armed. And he doesn't even work at Honeywell. No, he still lives at home with his parents.

And then she eats at the Hardee's drivethru. I like Hardee's only they don't have Hardees out in the west where I live, they just have Carl's Jr., which is the same thing as a Hardees, only with bigger food.

See. I can just throw some randomness in the middle of my story, too...

Then pregnant cop lady visits Jerry at his work and he gets all upset 'cause he's cooperatin' here! He's probably stressed 'cause he went to work with a dead body in the trunk of his car. So he flees the interview, he flees the interview! Then pregnant cop lady takes the scenic way home and finds her tan sierra, tan sierra!, and sneaks around the house and finds Mute stuffin' Steve into the wood chipper 'cause it's easier to split a funny lookin' guy than it is a car. How do you split a car? Mute sees her only he doesn't register that she's a cop until she points to the badge on her hat, that goes with her cop uniform and the cop gun she has pointed at him. He throws a log at her (it's log, it's log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood, it's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good!) and she shoots him in the leg. Then she uses the Force to lug his 260 pound murderous frame into her patrol car all by herself.

Jerry gets arrested in a hotel. Sure, he'll get charged with kidnapping, conspiracy, fraud, accessory to murder, but I think he might get child abandonment charges, too. Is anybody thinkin' about how he just up and left his kid at home all alone? It's not like he was Macaully Culkin or anything.

Then Mr. Pregnant Cop can't even celebrate the successful arrest his wife made. No, he's gotta be Mr. Center-of-Attention and brag about his stupid duck painting. Hey, your pregnant working wife just shot a guy and watched a funny lookin' fella get liquified before her very eyes. Way to comfort your meal ticket, bub. Awww, the heck you say.

At least George Clooney is gonna be in the next Coehn Brother's film, and not a funny lookin' fella in sight. They're cooperatin' with me! You're darned tootin'!

More aliens!

After a disappointing movie that was supposed to be about aliens I sure was skeptical about the next movie we were gonna see. The title sounds like it might deliver so I decided to sit my fluffy little butt down and watch this one. But if this one sucks, too, I'm gonna be really really angry and you don't want to see me when I'm angry....

Today we watched "Aliens."

There's this fro-wearin' chick who is sleepin' and she gets car-jacked by astronauts and when she gets home it's like in the future of the future and she has nightmares and the guy from My Two Dads tells her she has to go on a roadtrip with him back where she just came from only she doesn't want to go 'cause her old friend there got food poisoning and his stomach exploded (must be Mexico). But she gets tired of not sleeping and says okay she'll go. Then it gets really really scary!

She has this kitty cat and he's orange and fluffy and cute and cuddly and she just goes off and leaves him all alone with no friends 'cause it's the future and all his other cat friends are long dead and he's all alone and she doesn't even care about him, she just goes running off with some flannel-wearin'-mullet-headed-Helen-Hunt-co-starrin'-fool. Poor kitty! He's gotta be scared being all alone in the future without anybody to take care of him! Well let me tell you, I sure don't want to go to the future 'cause nobody loves kitties in the future and if you can't love a kitty then you might as well be a robot.

Oh, there's a robot in this movie and his name is Bishop and fro-chick, uh, her name is Ripley (believe it or not), she doesn't like him and she's mean to him. He should change his name Mr. Kitty.

So Ripley goes off with Mr. My Two Dads and he brings his pals the Marines 'cause they're gonna go see if some people are okay and they get frozen and they go in space and then they get there and they get unfrozen and there's a Marine who is a girl but looks like a dude and the guy who turns into a pile of poo in Weird Science is there and John Conner is there, too(I think planet LB 486 is a great place to hide from Skynet). So they go fly down to the planet and they get in a big black Hummer and they go try and find the missing people and they look in the basement and it looks like the inside of someone's nose 'cause the walls are all goobery and gloopy and they find the people stuck in the walls like big old boogers and when they try and get them out it wakes up the big bad aliens.

Woo hoo! Aliens! Finally I get to see aliens! Only these don't look like Ewoks at all. They kind of look like giant ball-peen hammers. They must be on Planet Home Depot.

So the aliens chase the marines back to their car and they get in and they get away and they go back to the base and they say, uh, let's go home now, so they call a taxi only an alien eats the taxi driver and the taxi crashes and they're stuck on the planet with the aliens that eat people and the pile of poo guy starts screamin' "game over man, game over!" And there's this little girl there who they found and her name is Newt and she says they have to go inside 'cause they mostly come out at night, mostly, only it always looks like night on that planet to me. It's always rainin' and foggy and cloudy and ugly. It must be the planet Oregon.

So, um, Ripley and Newt go take a nap 'cause when aliens are threatening to come and eat you, you should go take a snooze. And then Mad About You Guy puts some baby aliens that he found in the room with them only these babies aren't cute like Muppet Babies, they're horny babies, like the Spears girls, and they try and suck face with Ripley only she kills them and when the marines decide to punish mullet boy the aliens attack and he gets eaten by one anyway so I guess karma exists in outer space, too.

And then Newt gets sucked into the sewer and they have to go get her but the alien gets her first and turns her into a booger and Ripley finds her in this room with all these eggs, only they aren't fun eggs like the ones the Easter Bunny leaves, and she grabs Newt out of the snot and it wakes up the big old momma-jamba queen alien who looks like she's attached to a big giant large intestine, and momma yells at Ripley so Ripley decides it would be best to make this big super-sized alien mad and she totally burns all the eggs with a flame thrower, although I don't know why she didn't just shoot the momma alien with the big ole gun she had instead.

So they run to the elevator and it's not a very good elevator 'cause it doesn't have any music to listen to on the way up and momma alien goes up the other elevator and Bishop comes and rescues them at the last second. Ripley better like him now.

But momma alien got on the ship, too and she rips Bishop in two and he must be a kitty cat robot 'cause he's all full of milk and he explodes milk all over and it's really really gross. So Ripley gets in a robot suit and they fight and Ripley calls the momma alien a bad word and they fight some more and then Ripley sends momma alien packin' and boots her out of the space ship and saves the day.

Somebody told me that this movie was completely pointless 'cause in the next movie they kill everyone who makes it except for Ripley who should die anyway for leavin' poor kitty all alone in the first place back on earth. I mean, all that nonsense just to get killed in your freezer-sleep? Why did I waste my time caring about these characters if they die anyway?

What? David Fincher directed that next movie?

Oh, well, then that makes perfect sense.....

Where the hell are the aliens!?!?

Camp is still going pretty swell. Today they told us we were gonna watch a movie about aliens and I like aliens 'cause my friend Julio the Ewok is an alien (that's a double entendre). And this movie was made a long long long time ago, like in the Seventies! It was even in color!

So right away I was confused by the title. What the hell kind of encounter is the "third kind"? The first time is when you bump into somebody. And the second time is when you get to kiss them goodnight on the doorstep. And my brother Grover said the third kind is when you make babies. What the hell does that have to do with aliens? And why are we watching sex-education films anyway? That's for health class at school. But I don't think we're watchin' a movie about aliens makin' babies 'cause my brother Grover said that movie is called "Species."

No, the movie we saw is called "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." I think it's one of those weird foreign movies 'cause the first ten minutes are just a bunch of beard-wearin' Frenchies runnin' around the desert pointin' at some old planes. Where are the cool aliens?! If the Frenchies are the aliens I'm gonna be pretty disappointed. They don't even have green skin or acid breath or anything cool. French people suck.

But then they show this boy in his room and a storm comes and makes all his toys come to life and he's not scared (he must be retarded or somethin' 'cause if my purple jingle ball, Bob, started movin' around on his own without me smackin' the crap out of him, I'd totally be hiding under the bed!) so he goes running after the bright shiny lights in the sky that made his toys move and he runs in the woods and his mom is totally totally freaked out and goes runnin' after him. Boy is he gonna be in trouble 'cause you're not supposed to leave the house without permission. And those bright lights in the sky makes all the power go out so Mr. Holland has to take time out from makin' his opus and go fix the electricity but he gets stopped on the railroad tracks and the lights give him a sunburn and he scares himself with his flashlight. So he wakes up his wife, who used to be married to Mr. Mom but I guess not anymore since he went and became Batman (maybe she couldn't handle the pressure of being the wife of a superhero, or maybe 'cause it was he was messin' around on her with Kim Bassinger), and he takes her out in the middle of nowhere to see the lights only they don't come and the little boy that ran away is there and his mom finds him there and she doesn't even spank him or nothin'!

Then they show those stupid French people again, makin' up sign language in case the aliens are deaf.

And then the mom, who we never see in another movie ever again, is home with her bad little kid and the lights come again and make everything in the house go crazy and the 'special' kid goes crawlin' out the doggie door. If she spanked him in the first place he never would have gone runnin' off again! And the lights took him away and instead of lookin' for him, bad mom just draws pictures of a mountain over and over again. Yeah, let's give her the Parent of the Year Award! Geesh!

Then Richard Dreyfus plays with his food and makes a mashed potato mountain and his wife gets mad at him for playin' with his food and settin' a bad example for the kids and she leaves his sad sorry butt. Now that's a mom who cares! And she goes on to get her degree and gets work as a laboratory assistant in Europe for this doctor who sews people up. She makes a difference! But Richard Dreyfus decides that since he has the house to himself he'll make a big old mountain out of mud in his living room and then he sees the mountain he's makin' on TV (he must be watchin' the Travel Channel) and the bad mom sees it too and they decide to go there like it's some singles resort but when they get there they get kidnapped by these army guys workin' for the weird Frenchies and when the hell are we gonna see any aliens!?! I've already wasted an hour of my day watchin' a movie about aliens that doesn't have any freakin' aliens!

So Richard Dreyfus and bad mom must have been gettin' bored, too, 'cause they go runnin' off up the mountain and when they get to the other side they find this parkin' lot lookin' place with all these lights and towers and people in uniforms runnin' around and then they open the Ark and all these ghosts escape and make the people in uniforms melt and....oh wait, wrong movie......um, they just sit up on the mountain and watch as the lights come back and fly all over and then they disappear and then the big giant spaceship comes, and boy isn't it about time!

The people in uniforms start playin' Simon with the spaceship, you know, that game where you have to match the lights and music in patterns? And then the big ship opens it's door and all these humas come out and I'm like, what the hell, these aren't aliens! But then little kid comes runnin' out and bad mom comes down the mountain and gets him and even after gettin' in Stranger Danger's spaceship, he doesn't get a lickin'!

Finally, some damned aliens come out of the ship. The first one looks like a cross between a spider and Shelly Duval and then all these munchkin alien kids come runnin' out and they aren't wearin' any clothes! You'd think if they can build a spaceship that can travel across the freakin' galaxy, they could make themselves a shiny silver jumpsuit. So Richard Dreyfus, who has given' up on tryin' to go home and get his family back (real nice level of commitment there) puts on a shiny jumpsuit (like you're supposed to have when you go space travelin') and goes on up into the spaceship and they close the door and they go home takin' Richard Dreyfus with 'em.

That's it!? That's how this stupid movie ends? The aliens don't try to blow anything up or take over the world or even leave a cure for cancer or anything? They just travelled all those millions and billions of miles for the guy who was in 'Moon Over Parador"?! They should have called this movie "Close Encounters of the Crappy Kind." What kind of loser made this thing anyway? They shouldn't let him make any more movies 'cause he doesn't know anything about entertaining or telling a good story. And he certainly shouldn't make any more movies about aliens, that's for sure.

I give this movie, and the director, a big "paws down."

Film Camp Still Rocks!

I'm not mad at my Dad anymore 'cause film camp is way cool! Today we saw a movie that my grandpa thinks is one of the greatest movies ever made. But then again, my grandpa also thinks "Revenge of the Nerds" is an American Movie Classic. My grandma hates this movie, but she'll watch it anyway 'cause she's in love with Sam Godamn Elliott and he's in this movie. I think he looks older than my Grandpa but Grandma says he's sexy. You know who I think is sexy? Millie. I sure wish she were here to hold my hand and share my popcorn.

So the movie we watched today was called "Roadhouse" and it stars the King of Feathered Hair, Patrick Swayze. He's a bouncer but I never did see a trampoline in this movie. They should have picked a better title.

Anyway he gets hired by John Locke's dad (before he became a kidney-stealin' hustler) to get rid of the punks and riff-raff at his bar. He says he won't fly there 'cause flyin's too dangerous (that's called irony). He drives a super-cool Mercedes but he buys a old junker piece o' crap car 'cause he knows his pimped out ride is gonna get all jacked up by thugs and social misanthropes. And when he gets there a blind guy is singing and he's Dalton's friend, that's Patrick Swayze's character's name in the movie, and he's can't see 'cause he was blinded by Patrick Swayze's greatness 'cause you're not supposed to look directly at him or you'll never be able to absorb the awesomeness of the Coiffed One. He's so cool he drinks coffee instead of beer and he drinks decaf, too, 'cause he's already got the fire of a demon-slayer in him and he doesn't need any stimulants to get himself all revved up for a battle which happens as soon as he gets there and everyone starts throwing beer bottles and tables and chairs and he gets cut in the arm but he saves the day. Instead of goin' to a stupid hospital he just sews himself up. He's totally bad-ass!
Then he tells all the people who work at the Double Deuce, that's the name of John Locke's father's bar, that it's "my way or the highway!" And they say they thought he'd be bigger but he's big on the inside 'cause he's enlightened 'cause he does Tai Chi (he ties himself up after he gets hurt) and he gives them three rules:

1. You don't talk about fight club. Oh wait, no, it's, uh, "Never underestimate your opponent".

2. Take it outside. At the rate they're goin' there won't be any tables or chairs left to throw (and you're not supposed to throw things in the house...I learned that on the Brady Bunch) so he makes'em fight outside 'cause there's nothing to throw around outside except your ego.

3. Be nice. That's a good rule. I try to be nice to everybody, even Jimmy the Monkey, who I kept lookin' for in this movie 'cause he likes to throw things, but usually it's just poo and I didn't see any poo gettin' thrown around in the movie, but my Mom says this movie stinks like poo so I kept an eye out for him anyway.

Dalton rents a farmhouse and does sweaty aerobics outside and the Bad Guy, who's played by a guy who looks like the guy who played Ghandi but isn't (I like Ghandi and Pokey, they're stretchy and cool), he watches Dalton from across the river and I think he get's a crush on him 'cause he's a smiley and he decides to eliminate all his competition for Dalton's affections so he picks on all the other old guys in town by trashin' their stores and burnin' down their houses and drivin' monster trucks through the car dealership. Monster trucks are cool! But monsters are not cool. They hide under beds and rip off little boy's heads and eat them like Kit Kats, nibblin' around the edges before chomping down on the insides. Stupid monsters.

Then there's another fight only this time when Dalton gets hurt he goes to the hospital and meets Kelly Lynch who tries to look smart by wearin' big glasses and he makes his smooth moves on her and they boom-chick-a-boom and she ends up wearin' a dress that looks like a table cloth. Since he got hurt he decides he needs some help so he calls his best friend Sam Godamn Elliott and he comes and they fight some more and then this guy who looks like Lorenzo Llamas (but not as expensive to cast) makes googly eyes at Patrick Swayze and he tries to impress him by bustin' some sweet moves with a pool cue but Patrick Swayze just brushes him off and that really makes the generic Lorenzo Llama mad so he kills Sam Godamn Elliott, and I didn't know llamas could kill people, I just thought they spit at you. So Dalton and femmie-Lorenzo-Llamas-wanna-be fella get in to a fight and Patrick Swayze totally rips his heart right out of his chest with his bare hands! He must have learned that watchin' Kill Bill. So Bad Guy tries to blow up Kelly Lynch and that totally pisses off Dalton who goes and tries to kill Bad Guy but Bad Guy has henchmen that try and stop him but they are totally no match for the super sweet skills of the Dalton. He makes the fat guy scared with a stuffed polar bear! And then Bad Guy shoots Dalton but it's not enough to kill him 'cause he's, like, the hero and everything, and the hero never dies in the movies, so just as he's about to rip Bad Guy's heart out of his chest like he did to his man-crush, Bad Guy gets the crap shot out of him by all the old guys in town who decide they want Dalton to themselves, but instead he goes off and skinnydips with Kelly Lynch.

The End.

I don't think this was a very realistic movie. Kelly Lynch as a doctor, come on!

I can't wait 'till we watch the sequel starring Jonnathan Schaech, the former Mr. Applegate. She is totally only funny on "Married With Children."

Film Camp

Sometimes I think my Dad belongs in a home. He forgets things pretty easy, like the fact that I don't have thumbs and ya kinda need thumbs if you're getting sent to the Gene Siskel Memorial Film Camp. This doesn't mean I have a tumor, but I sure do love movies like "Follow That Bird" and "Alvin and the Chipmunks". It's gonna be cool gettin' to watch movies all summer. I just wish Millie was there to hold my paw durin' scary parts. I sure hope we don't watch scary movies 'cause summer camps so far have been scary enough.

So I got on the bus that was gonna take us to camp and we started drivin' and drivin' and kept drivin' and the next thing we know we're in the middle of the desert and all the windows are locked close and all of a sudden the ground around us disappeared and we were stuck on this one little piece of land and it was dark and there was lightning and I told the bus driver, hey Mr. Busdriver, you better get us out of here, and he got up from his seat and he had really long fingernails, just like me, and he was really ugly, like Mischa Barton's butt, and he came walkin' down the aisle ripping the seats with his claws and I said, oh boy, you're gonna get in trouble for messin' up the bus and he just started laughing and then Johnny Depp screamed and I looked out the window and we were at camp.

We walked the red carpet to our cabins. Our counsellor, Tripper, was kinda goofy but he said that the most cloying and flopsy-headed camper would get to run in the woods at the end of camp. I think he has his eye on Rudy the Rabbit. Of course, he has an advantage 'cause rabbits are flopsy, mopsy and cotton-tailed. Our other counsellor, Jason, doesn't say much but you can tell he's Canadian 'cause he like hockey. I wonder if he knows Terrence and Phillip and Bryan Adams and Anne Murray and Pierre Trudeau and Patrick Roy, except his name is pronounced "wah" not roy 'cause he's French Canadian and everyone know the French are difficult just like their movies which they don't even make in English! Stupid French people. At least they invented French Fries. And French Toast. And French Stewart (he was the only reason to watch "3rd Rock From the Sun).

After we got settled in we went to go view our first movie. I wonder if you've seen it. It's called "The Empire Strickes Back". Tripper told us it was the fifth movie in a series but it was the only good one so we were gonna watch that instead of the piece of, uh, poo (only that's not what he said) called the "Phantom Menace". As long as I get to watch movies I'm A-okay with that, so I got my popcorn and sat down and got ready to rate my first movie.

Well, let me tell ya, I wasn't so sure about this when it started off tellin' me it was from a long time ago. I don't like history movies 'cause it means I'm learnin' somethin' and it's summer vacation and you're not supposed to learn on summer vacation. But then there was this meteor that crashed in the snow and meteors are cool 'cause I saw a movie once where a meteor killed Tea Leoni which helped rid the world of another bad actress. And then there was this dinosaur thing and there was this guy riding on it named Luke, which is so cool 'cause that's one of the names of the Dukes of Hazzard and I sure do like that show. And then the Abdominal Snowman cold-cocked him and dragged him off like a liitle wussy boy and hung him upside down for no apparent reason and then Luke used the Force, which I found to be a convenient plot device on par with the ancient Sophoclean deus ex machina. But then he popped a cap in snowman's ass and then wandered off into a blizzard. Why the hell would you leave a nice cozy cave and go tearin' off into a storm? Well, he is from the desert, so maybe he doesn't really know what snow is.

So now he's totally screwed up Han Solo's plan to go make nice with Jabba the Hutt 'cause he's gotta go out and try and find him, all at the taxpayer's expense, on a freakin' taun taun 'cause even though their technology can let them make a jump into hyperspace they can't make a spaceship that can fly in the snow. So now you've got a dead taun taun for no freakin' reason and I guess the ASPCA doesn't have a branch on Hoth 'cause Han Solo just totally rips the poor thing open and stuffs it like a Chicken Kiev with pussy-boy Luke. Then they put him in a container of snot and then Princess Leia kisses him to make Han Solo jealous like it's an episode of Paradise Hotel. The bad guys attack them in giant metal buffalos and it makes their snow fort fall apart so they gotta leave only Luke has to be special and he goes off to a place he heard about from the ghost of a dead old guy (I think Luke might be bi-polar).

Han Solo and Princess Leia get chased into an asteroid field. My dad and my grandpa used to play Asteroids all the time on Atari but now my Dad just complains about how painful his asteroids are. They go into a cave but it's not a cave it's a big giant muppet mouth and they escape the big giant muppet and they fly right at the bad guy's ship and then they disappear only they really don't really disappear they just stick to the side of the bad guy's ship like a giant Stick-Up and then they float away with the garbage which is some pretty big garbage. I mean, what the hell are these Imperial guys eatin' that their garbage is as big as the Alluminum Falcon?

Meanwhile Luke crashes in the Everglades and finds a little green fella. He must be a Martian. Except My Favorite Martian wasn't little or green. Or funny. So Luke whines until Yoda, that's the little fella's name, says, okay, I'll teach you how to be a Jedi, only instead of taking thirty years or so like he did with Obi Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu and every other Jedi ever, he does it in like, one day, and I'm like, you can't just do a couple of flips, make some rocks float and come to the conclusion that your friends are in danger and then suddenly you're a Jedi Knight. No kidding they're in danger, you left their asses to go running off the jungle, you selfish whiny little Jedi-wanna-be bitch. And then to prove my point that you can't be a Jedi in a day, he can't even lift his ride outta the water! But he just whines some more so Yoda lets him go so he doesn't have to hear it anymore 'cause when you're 800 years old, who really wants to listen to that crap.
Then they show Han Solo and his posse goin' to see his old buddy Lando Calrissian, the baddest mofo in the galaxy. You know he's cool 'cause he totally macks on Han's girl, like, right in front of him. And he must have given her a spa package 'cause next thing you know she's all cleaned up with some new duds and a brand new weird-o hairstyle. It impresses the fellas enough that they take her out to dinner only Lando invites some other peeps to come, too. Han Solo tries to pop a cap in Vader ass but Darth Vader, he's the main bad-guy, you know, like, Gargamel on the Smurfs, he totally deflects the laser beam with his hand. I bet he didn't learn that in one day.
The bad guys, they put Han Solo in the freezer just like that crazy old woman who lives next door to Brie on Desperate Housewives did to her husband. But before he gets frozen he gets all James Dean cool when Princess Leia says she loves him and he just says "I know". I mean, how totally bad-ass is that!?

Luke Skywalker to the rescue! Well, he would have rescued them if he freakin' listened to Princess Leia when she screams at him at the top of her lungs that it's a trap. But does Mr. I'm-A-Jedi-Now listen? No, just like my Dad, he just goes wandering off without a freakin' clue. If he were a true Jedi, he would have sensed it was a trap and gone a different way. So off he goes, just leavin' R2-D2 stranded and all alone in Cloud City not given'a damn what happens to him even after all they've been through together.

So he goes into this room and there's Darth Vader who's totally in touch with his femminine side 'cause he's got a pink lightsaber. And then they fight and Luke basically gets the bejesus knocked out of him 'cause he took the Community College version of Jedi training and gets his hand chopped off. Then Darth Vader says he's Luke's father which I guess is supposed to be a big deal, but my dad's asthmatic, too, so I don't know what the big deal is. But Luke is going through his Goth phase 'cause he just yells about how much his father sucks and decides to kill himself instead of learning how to run the family business, only being the big loser he is, he doesn't die, he just gets sucked into a tube that has trap doors that empty out into nothing (who the hell designed this place?) and ends up hanging upside down again just like back on that snow planet.
So now that Princess Leia has escaped she's gotta turn right around and go rescue his sad ass. And Luke ends up in the hospital, again. And that's it! What the hell kind of ending is that!? How the hell can you leave a poor cat hanging like that!?

George Lucas is stupid.

I give it a "paws down."

I think I'd like the Luke in the Dukes of Hazzard movie better. But I hear there's Ewoks in the next one and who doesn't like an Ewok?....

Dude Ranch Camp

I sure was excited when my Dad told me I was going to Dude Ranch Camp, even though I wasn't quite sure what a Dude Ranch is. So I asked my brother Grover what a Dude Ranch is and he said it's a place where you go bowling and drink white russians. I asked him what a white russian is and he said they're all white 'cause when was the last time you saw a black russian and I said Grandpa loves black russians even though he won't vote for Barack Obama. So I'm a little confused and that's not ususally a good thing when Dad decides to send you off to camp.

So we get off the bus and there's a crusty old guy in a funny hat and a scarf and boots and big silvery jewelry and I asked him why he was dressed up like a girl if this was a Dude ranch and he said he was a cowboy and I said you can't be a cowboy 'cause cowboys wear football helmets. Then he called me "pardner". Oh boy I got a nick-name! Sure is better than being called Turd Blossom! He said his name was Cowboy Curtis and I got real excited 'cause if this was Cowboy Curtis then we were gonna be going to Pee Wee's Playhouse! Then again, I sure thought Cowboy Curtis was a little darker than this Cowboy Curtis, but they say that television adds a few ehtnic skin tones so I thought nothing of it.

We followed Cowboy Curtis hoping we'd get to pick which room in the playhouse we were gonna get to sleep in but instead he took us to this ring of tents around a firepit where all these other guys with funny hats were sitting and eating beans and farting a whole lot. This is where my brother Po should go for the summer 'cause he sure does fart a lot! So I asked Cowboy Curtis where the Playhouse was and he said they don't have a playhouse but they do have a henhouse and would we like to see it and I said okay 'cause I didn't want to make Cowboy Curtis mad or he might make his friends fart in my face and nobody likes a fart in the face except maybe German people 'cause they like all sorts of weird kinky stuff like that (my brother Grover told me that when I asked him what vinyl was but I'm still tryin' to figure out what that has to do with music...).

I thought I'd like the henhouse 'cause hens are chickens and I'm a Chicken and we chould all get along just fine and where there's chickens there's Gonzo and I sure did want to meet Gonzo 'cause he's a star and I was hoping to get his autograph. But when we went to the henhouse I couldn't find him and Cowboy Curtis said to pick out which chicken I'd like to have for dinner and I said I'd have to talk to them first to see which one I had the most in common with. Finally, I was gonna have a chance to be in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! But Cowboy Curtis said to just pick one but I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I told Cowboy Curtis to pick one out for me and he did. Cowboy Curtis said we'd have to clean the chicken for dinner and I said I didn't even know her name and I was kinda young to be doin' stuff like that and so Cowboy Curtis said to just watch (he must be German) and then he picked up the chicken and swung it around his head and killed her!!!!! Oh my god!!! Get me the hell out of here!!!! I don't want to be in Crazy German Poultry Snuff Film Camp!!!

So I ran back to my tent and hid under the covers until Cowboy Curtis came in a nd said he was sorry he didn't realize I was a vegetarian and I said wanted to go home and he said if I did I'd miss out on the coolest part of camp which was rustlin' cattle and I like to rustle things like plastic bags and cellophane so I thought that could be fun but I told Cowboy Curtis that just 'cause I was a Chicken doesn't mean he can swing ME around like he did to that other chicken or else my brother Grover would come over here and bust some serious ninja moves on his ass.

The next day Cowboy Curtis woke me up and said we had to go out into the fields to herd some cattle. I heard those bastards all night, freakin' moo-ing kept me up so I couldn't sleep. Cowboy Curtis said we'd have to ride horses to get there and I said "woo hoo!" 'cause I like horses 'cause Mr Ed was a horse and he was pretty funny and who doesn't like a good joke so I said sure Cowboy Curtis lets go ride some horses and so Cowboy Curtis took me over to meet my horse only his name wasn't Ed, it was Horse-on Wells so I said, crap, he's gonna be really pretentious but instead he was just kinda fat and wobbly and just a little drunk (he smelled like wine). We rode out to where the cows were and I knew we weren't in California 'cause theses didn't seem like happy cows 'cause they just kind of moped around and ate grass, but if it was California then they'd be playing practical jokes on each other and stuff, but instead, these were just a bunch of lame-o cows. Cowboy Curtis said it was time for them to get their brands and I asked him what that was and he said it was like a cow tattoo. Oh boy, these must be gang cows. So Cowboy Curtis makes a fire (I'm not allowed to play with matches) and puts this big stick in the fire and I get excited 'cause it must be time for smores but instead Cowboy Curtis takes his stick out of the fire and pokes one of the cows in the butt with it! What the hell is with these perverted Germans!? But I guess if the cow wants to be cool he's gotta get his tattoo so I guess it was okay, but I tell you what, I sure as hell won't be joinin' a gang anytime soon, no-siree-bob! No one's poking me in the butt with anything!

Cowboy Curtis said it was time to shear some sheep. He said it was like a barbershop for sheep and I sure do like that movie 'cause Ice Cube is cool and it takes place in Chicago which is where my Mom and Dad are from and I sure do like my Mom and Dad, well, maybe not my Dad when he sends me to crappy summer camps.... So we rode our horses over to where the sheep were hangin' out and Cowboy Curtis gave me some clippers and told me to get to work. I went up to a real raggedy lookin' sheep and asked him if he'd like a haircut but he didn't say anything so then I realized that these must be retarded sheep and Cowboy Curtis was doin' charity work, givin' retard sheep haircuts and all. I wanted this poor retarded sheep to feel special so I remembered how Mackenzie the Poodle had her hair cut at school and how everyone said it was attention grabbin', so I said to myself, Chicken, I says, lets make this retard sheep look special. When I got done I showed Cowboy Curtis my work and he must have really like it he didn't say anything for a long time. Then he came over and grabbed my clippers and made my retarded sheep completely bald! I sure was mad, but then I realized he did it so that the other retarded sheep wouldn't feel left out so I guess it was okay. I asked Cowboy Curtis what he was gonna do with all that fluff he shaved off and he said it was going to be made into sweaters and I thought that was kinda weird. Instead of making sweaters for the retarded sheep why not just leave 'em alone and not shave 'em in the first place?

The next day we learned how to lasso. We had a lhasa in our class last year but no one liked him 'cause he wouldn't shut up. Cowboy Curtis gave me some rope and I sure do like to play with string-like things. Cowboy Curtis said it wasn't a toy it was a tool and I said he was a tool for being so mean when all I was trying to do was play 'cause this was supposed to be summer camp after all and he grabbed the rope from me and swung it around his head and I tried to jump up and get it and when I came down I got caught up in the rope and when I tried to get loose I landed on Cowboy Curtis and my paw accidentally landed on his gun in his holster and it went off and it shot Cowboy Curtis in his foot. Boy was he funny jumpin' up and down like a cartoon. But then one of the farting guys from the camp called an ambulance and they took Cowboy Curtis away and so now there was no one to run the Dude Ranch so I was sent home. Great! Now I have to have Dad figure out where to send me next. I need a white russian, bad!

Summer Camp Sucks

I'm not very happy with my Dad right now.

He got me all excited about going to summer camp by bringing home all those shiny cool brochures about where I could go and instead my Dad decides I need some culture so he sends me to Korean Methodist Bible Camp. I'm not Korean! And I'm not a Methodist. I have no rhyme or reason to what I do through the day. And I've never read the Bible because Mr Teacher said that young kids need and education and should only read non-fiction. So I'm really not sure what the hell I'm doing here or what I did to piss Dad off.

When we got here we were split up into two groups called the North and the South. I was put in the South group even though I'm not from the South and I don't talk with a funny hick accent or vote Republican or own a gun or drive a pick-up or listen to Toby Keith. Instead of tents or cabins we have to sleep in old Hyundais. Luckily I got an Elantra so I have some room to stretch out and cats like to stretch and I'm a cat and I'm kinda worried about being around all these Koreans 'cause my brother Chuffy says that Koreans eat cats and I sure don't want to be eaten by a Korean before I get a chance to play tee-ball. So I asked if we get to play tee-ball and my counselor Mr Sum Young Guai said that yes, we can have tea. But first we had to find this girl named Kim Chi and bury her in the ground, but not to worry 'cause we'll dig her up later and eat her. Dad! Why the hell did you send me to Bible Cannibal Camp! I don't remember Jesus being gnawed .. he rose from the grave. Then again, I don't remember any stories about Jesus going to Korea. Maybe it was the Holy Ghost 'cause they have a city there called Seoul and it must be named after him.

Sure enough we had tea at lunch and I don't like to drink tea I like to drink white milk 'cause milk does a body good and my body wasn't doin' so good after lunch 'cause I was real hungry 'cause I couldn't eat anything 'cause they gave us chop-sticks and everyone knows that cats can't use chop-sticks 'cause we got no thumbs so I starved and Mr Sum Young Gai said I was a good example of showing solidarity with the starving people in the North who had no food. I sure am glad I didn't get picked for the North group! And I don't remember showing any solid dairy to anyone 'cause if I had cheese I sure as hell would have eaten it.

After lunch we played Demilitarized Zone with the kids from the North group. We all lined up on either side of this ditch and stared at each other and made faces for a long long time. It was like Red Rover without anyone coming over. The North kids had a loudspeaker and it was saying that our camp sucked and that the North camp was fun and everyone was happy and I sure do want to be happy and be cool so I snuck over to the North camp. I think their counselor is sick 'cause they call him Mr. Ill and they put on all sorts of shows to cheer him up. We all get on some bleachers and hold up different cards to make big giant pictures, but I don't think we did a very good job 'cause most of us don't have thumbs so we cant hold cards and so we couldn't make pictures so we were sent to go make plutonium. He's my favorite Disney character 'cause he's a funny dog without being overly stupid like that Goofy fella. We had to put on these rubber suits and cats don't like to put on clothes 'cause it messes up our fur and I don't remember any kinky rubber fetish gear being in the Bible so I said "no way" and I was told I was a traitor and I said yeah, I'll trade ya anything for some white milk 'cause I sure do love white milk and I was told that I should be happy with what I have and I said I don't have anything and they said neither did anyone in the North and I said this place sucks and they said no it doesen't and if Mr Ill hears you say that he'll shoot you and I said there are no guns in the Bible and they said so what and I said if you're gonna just make up things as you go along then I might as well go to White House camp and so they threw me out of the North camp and when I got back to my Hyundai they said I couldn't come back 'cause I was a traitor and I said hey, I already told those guys I have nothing to trade and they said I wasn't welcome here anymore and I said it's about time you guys act like a real church and start discriminating even when you preach inclusion and they said something in Korean that I'm pretty sure Jesus would never say and I was sent home.
Dad says he's sorry I didn't get to play tee-ball and he was gonna find another summer camp for me to go to . I sure hope he talks this over with Mom 'cause I'm kinda scared to find out where I'll end up next.

Summer Camp

Ohhhhhhhhh, boy oh boy, summer is here!!! I am soooooooo excited to be out of school. Not that I don't like school, 'cause I like to learn stuff and make my brother Grover look stupid 'cause he didn't go to school 'cause he said real ninjas don't go to school, they learn on the streets, and I was born on the streets, under an underpass, actually, and all I learned was that I didn't want to be out on the streets. I'm gonna miss the kids in my class (except Jimmy the Monkey...stupid monkey). But I sure won't miss Mr. Teacher. What a loon! I think he's going to teach music camp this summer 'cause he said he had to report to Sing Sing right away.

I'm very excited about getting to go to summer camp. But there's sooooo many to choose from! My poor little fuzzy head is gonna explode trying to decide which to go to this summer. It doesn't really matter which one I go to 'cause Milie won't be there ...she's going to her family estate, Meerkat Manor to see realtives. So she won't get to see me in my super-cool jams or play tee-ball either . Man, summer's soundin' like it's gonna suck! So I really need to find a good camp to go to to get my mind off my woman. These are the camps my Dad says I get to choose from. I say, let's vote on it! Where shall we send me for camp this summer? As long as I get to go to camp, I'll be super happy!

So please cast your vote for one of the following summer camps. Remember, these are 866 numbers, not 800 numbers....

Arts and Crafts camp (macaroni art is cool...)

Band camp (oh, I am in a band, remember?...)

Yiddish camp (my brother, Po's suggestion)

Space camp (as long as Kate Capshaw isn't there)

Drama camp (the girls from the Hills are counselors)

Survivalist camp (you mean like spending the summer without Millie?)

Archaeology camp (become Indiana Jones...or a really bored guy with a brush)

Bible camp (learn to vote Republican)

Spy camp (learn to sell secrets to the Russians)

Gone With The Wind camp (uh, I think this one's about diversity)

Star Wars camp (my friend Julio the Ewok is going to this one)

French camp (you get to oui oui against a tree)

SCUBA camp (yeah, that sounds right up my alley...)

Poker camp (it says they provide all your chips and I love Pringles)

Banking camp (learn that money doesn't grow on trees)

Computer camp (learn to open Windows and let in the fresh air)

The John Wayne Gacy Memorial Fund Summer Camp (oh, wait, it's in Chicago, too far...)

Project Runway camp (compete to make a new uniform for Smokey the Bear)

The Stephen Colbert Green Screen Challenge Summer Camp (you get to play with lightsabers)

Superhero camp (I sure would like to meet Catwoman)

Camp Mohawk (Bill Murray at his best)

Camp Crystal Lake (I hear they have a killer hockey squad)

Camp Pendleton (I will learn how to walk, talk, shoot, shit, like a United States soldier!)

Camp David (they have pretzels)

MASH camp (learn how to perform open-heart surgery with a twig and run a still)

Tee-Ball camp (it's the sport of Presidents!)

Boy, there sure a lot to choose from, so you gotta help me out! Voting starts at the end of the show.