Christmas Greetings!!

Yessireebob, Chistmas is coming! And I sure have been a good boy this year (depending, of course on your perspective). How have I been good? I haven't exacted revenge on a certain rat-bastard meerkat from Down Under (although I sure would like to light his yule log on fire), so I'm thinking that keeps me in the "good" category. Chasing my sisters is not being bad (again, perspective). I'm keeping them excersising and making making sure they don't get fat. It's charity work, and this season is all about charity.

And presents.

And baby Jesus, who, by the way, happens to have a birthday on Christmas (how cool is that?). My birthday is Tax Day. Bummer.

Yes, this is the time of year that we commemorate the birth of the Christian savior by lining up at a Wal-Mart at four in the morning to trample people to death for a 10% discount on Isotoner slippers that will never be worn after December 26th. (I wonder, did the people who trampled that poor fellow thank him for dying for their sins?).

Jesus did not get Isotoner slippers for his birthday, I'm pretty sure (he lived in the desert, after all). But like Isotoner slippers, Jesus, too, got some pretty crappy and useless presents for Christmas/Birthday. What is a newborn baby gonna do with Myrrh? What the hell is Myrrh? It sounds like the noise my Dad makes when he snores. And Frankenscence. Was that to cover up the smell of baby Jesus' smelly diapers? Or the smell of a manger in general? Oh, but he did get Gold, setting up the trend of blinging out your baby (Jesus is my homeboy!).

Did you notice that in the Bible story of this "birthday party" there was no mention of cake and ice cream, or streamers, or pin the tale on the donkey? And they had real donkeys! This was a total lame-o get-together. Something tells me that, if the Son of God is born, and the supposed Wise Men are repsonsible for the gifts, they'd really try and jazz it up, like one of those Super Sweet 16 paties you see on M-TV. If little priss-ass McKenzie in Dallas, Texas can get a Lexus convertable, the Son of God should at least get his own donkey, for Christ's sake!

Birthday parties in Bethlehem blow.

Did any of those Wise Men bring Joseph a flask? If any one should have gotten on Santa's good list, it was Joseph. He put up with a lot. That, or he was a total wuss push-over. Then again, he really wouldn't stand a chance against God in a fist fight or duel. Poor guy. Pass him a mug of Peppermint Schnapps.

Did you know horses like peppermint candies? It's true. I saw it on "Girls Next Door" when they went to the Kentucky Derby.

History has shown us what a crappy Christmas can do to a fella. Jesus didn't get any cool toys to play with, not even a dradle. So to make up for it, we over-compensate and buy lots and lots of useless crap and make lots of treats, and kill trees. Not sure about that last thing, though it is a German tradition, and those Germans sure are weird. I wonder if Christmas trees in Germany are wrapped in leather whips and chains?

But more important than what's on the tree (usually a cat climbing it) is what's under it. And this year, I'm hoping for a boat-load of loot from the fat man himself.

I totally deserve presents. I'm doing well in school (I haven't been to the principal's office all year), I bring Dad his flip flops every morning, and I don't order pay-per-view porn. I think I should get everything on my list, but just in case, I've got a list below for anyone who wants to get me a little something. Just don't get me Myrrh, please.

Or fruitcake.

Or Isotoner slippers. Have you ever seen a cat in slippers? There's a reason why you haven't.

Cats don't need slippers 'cause we're quiet and stealthy and that sure is gonna come in handy when I sneak up on Santa Claus coming down the chimney to leave me my loot. I sneak really good. Not like my brother, Elvis, who has a club foot, or paw, I guess you could call it. He sounds like Long John Silver when he walks, except for the parrot and saying "Argh!" all the time.

Everyday is like Christmas for pirates.

I'm gonna wait and wait and this year I'll stay up all night so I can see Kris Kringle in person (that's his secret identity, like Clark Kent)(maybe Santa should get a red cape 'cause he's awfully super), and when I see him, I'm gonna share milk and cookies with him. White milk, of course. Dad says we should leave him a beer, 'cause Santa's got to get sick of milk at every house, but I say, how the hell can anyone get tired of white milk? It does a body good, and since Santa is fat, he needs something to do his body good. Maybe I should chase him for a while, like I do to my sisters. He can have the cookies. Sugar makes my hyperactive.

But I've got a question: if we're celebrating a birthday with this Christmas thing, then why doesn't Santa wear a birthday party hat and dress like Jesus? That would totally make more sense.

Anyway, here is my list and I look forward to receiving your magananmous donations to the Chicken Christmas Joyful Day fund.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus!

Chicken's Christmas List:

High School Musical Boxed Set DVD

Life-sized poster of Hannah Montana (or that totally sexy sultry strangely creepy photo from Vanity Fair blown up to poster size, minus the Billy Ray)

A Red Rider Carbine Action BB Gun with a compas in the stock

A copy of "Crime and Punishment" by Fyodor Dostoevsky, in the original Russian (first edition is not necessary, but thanks)

A membership in the Alan Alda Fan Club

WD-40

Singing lessons from Neil Patrick Harris

A cow

Peace, love, and understanding

Natural calamaty to befall Australia

A dolphin Mold-a-rama from the Zoo

Cracker Jack (there's a prize inside!)

A silly straw

Welding goggles

Seven shares of Purina stock

X-ray vision

"Heroes" to not suck so much anymore

A hacky-sack

Flying lessons

Chilly Willy cartoons to come back on TV

An i-paw

Real Estate

The Cubs to win the World Series

Caulk

Silly String, lots and lots of Silly String

Nitro-glycerine

A subscription to Playboy (for the articles)

One of those cool Life Saver books that lok like a book, but when you open it up, it's actually rolls of Life Savers. I don't want the candy, I just think it's cool.

A martini, shaken, not stirred

Tickets to La Traviata

Shrinky Dinks

A new girl in class to go gaga for

A new girl in class to go gaga for me

Zips, blue with four white stripes, not three, but four (the more stripes you have, the faster you can run...)

Carmex

Turtle Wax

Tickets to the Obama Inauguration

The Darth Vader Toaster (it makes burns the face of Darth Vader onto your toast!!!)

Afro-sheen

A saddle

A subscription to Sky Mall magazine

Spidey-sense

"Tyra" to be cancelled

A pink flamingo (plastic, please)

Cash (when all else fails, it's great to give cash $$$$$$$$$)