Second Grade At Last

This is what Moms are for: gettin' a cat to school.

The right school.

Steve Irwin Elementary, I'm home!

That's right, I walked my fluffy little butt right into those hallowed halls and straight to the Principal's office. I figured I'd be sent there for missing the first week and I had no idea of which classroom to go to. Thanks, Dad.

Mrs. Secretary walked me down to my new classroom, 'cause second-graders don't go to baby first-grader classrooms. We get to use brushes when we paint instead of our fingers, although I still have to use my paw. I can't hold sticks in my paws. That's why I don't eat Chinese food. Then again, that's probably why you never see Chinese cats: Eat or be eaten. If you can't hold a chopstick, then a chopstick will hold you. I sure hope my teacher isn't Chinese.

We walked in and I had a Mrs. Teacher. Not the same Mrs. Teacher from kindergarten, but a different Mrs. Teacher. This Mrs. Teacher is black, like my brother Tupac and my sister Stella. So I'm totally in with her. Tyler Perry rules!

Mrs. Teacher gave me a desk and I looked around to see if I saw Millie.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!

Millie's not in my class this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit.

Take a deep breath, Chicken. Maybe you can see her at recess or at lunch.

Okay, well, Jimmy the Monkey is here, which is cool. No sign of Gary the Gorilla, which is super cool. Wonda the Wombat is here, too. Mackenzie, the Poodle, check. Ollie the Octopus, good.
But who the hell are all these other kids and where were they last year?

So now I gotta get to know a whole new group of peeps.

Damn it.

Damn it all to hell!

Second grade is suckin' the big one right now, let me tell ya.

So anyway, Mrs. Black teacher said we were gonna learn about George Washington Carver. So she asked us if anyone knew who he was. I raised my paw.

"George Washington Carver is the president who chopped down the peanut tree, had false teeth, and ran our economy into the ground during the OPEC oil crisis of the Seventies."

I have never been stared at for so long in my life.

Mrs. Black Teacher sure does put her hands on her hips and roll her eyes a lot.

If I knew the real answer, I wouldn't need you to teach me, now would I?

Stupid public school system.

As soon as lunch time came, I sprinted like a fluffy bunny down to the cafeteria to see if I could find Millie. I looked around frantically. Then a light from heaven and a chorus of angels pointed the way to my beloved Meerkat.

Who was giggling and talking to some stupid boy Meerkat.

WTF?

So I went over and I said Hi, Millie. And she looked at me like she didn't know me for a second and then she said, Oh, this is my friend from Australia, Martin the Meerkat. We met when I went home for the summer to see relatives. He's going to be going to our school now, Chicken, isn't that great?

Son of a bitch.

Well, let me tell ya. This second grade thing is not workin' out so well for yours truly.
I have no idea what we learned the second half of the day. The only thing I learned was that I was going to win my woman back, no matter what it takes. Martin is going down, back down under, that stupid arrogant Aussie piece of Veggemite crap.

She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

After I do my homework....