First Day of Second Grade

Well, summer's over and the time has come for little old Chicken to go to the second grade. I was excited to see all my old friends again, especially Millie.

But Dad totally screwed that up.

My Dad was supposed to take me to my first day of second grade at Steve Irwin Elementary. I had all the stuff to make me the coolest kid in the class: Hannah Montana lunchbox, Batman backpack, glitter glue, Trapper Keeper with a picture of the Jonas Brothers on it. My friends were gonna be soooo jealous 'cause I had all the best stuff.

But Dad screwed that up.

I know my Dad is old and crusty and forgets things. Sure, he's had some health problems, but I think he took one too many painkillers before driving me to my first day.

He dropped me off at St. Explosious Catholic School.

Before I could stop him, Dad drove away towards the local Walgreens and I was stuck at a school where I didn't know anybody. No Jimmy the Monkey, no Mackenzie the Poodle, no Wonda the Wombat, and no Millie the Meerkat.

Son of a Bitch!

So this woman, dressed up in the Catholic version of a bur qua (they call themselves Nuns or Wives Of God. So does that mean that Mormons really are the true religion 'cause God is a polygamist?), took me to my classroom.

My new teacher's name is Sister Christian, and my time has come, and I know 'cause I'm the only one. It's true! I'm the only one who doesn't have a blue blazer and khakis. Stupid uniforms. Cat's hate pants. We are fond of hats, though. Boots, too.

So Sister Christian told us the story of St. Explosious. He's the patron saint of suicide bombers, farts, fireworks, indigestion, spark plugs, Jimmy Walker, and pre-1990s cartoons. Then teacher asked us about what we thought God was. Thank goodness I don't have knuckles 'cause teacher sure didn't like my answer: There is no God, God is dead, so says Nietzche in "Also Spake Zarathustra," the penultimate tome on existentialism.

Sister Christian asked if I was Catholic, and I said no, I'm a house cat, and she said I would need to be baptised and confirmed. Well, let me tell you somethin', Sister, I do NOT get wet and I'll confirm that by gouging out your eyes when you try and get me anywhere near the baptismal fount. I will unleash the stigmata on you and your hands, eyes and feet will bleed so that you believe what I say.

Why couldn't Dad have dropped me off at an Egyptian school? I would have been revered like a god, just like C-3PO in "Return of the Jedi."

You would think that Catholics would like cats. It's in the name, for Pete's sake. CATholic, CATechism, InvoCATion. But, no. The Catholics like boxing, drinking whiskey, lighting candles, murmuring, and playing football. You'd think they'd like me 'cause I'm pale, red-headed, and always scrapping for a fight. They might be coming around. I was asked to be an altar boy. They said I would get petted a lot and I sure do like to get petted. So I was sent down to meet Father Goose.

He told me that the role of the altar boy was simple. I light some candles and hold the plate of wafers for him during church. First off, cats are afraid of fire, and besides that, I was told not to play with matches. And those wafers sure don't look like Nilla Wafers. Father Goose told me if I did my job good, he'd take me to his office so that he could pet me lots and he wouldn't have to share me with anyone, just me and him, alone, in his office, getting petted, a lot.

Father Goose sure seems nice. He even offered me a popsicle.

But I had to get back to my class or else Sister Christian would beat me senseless with a ruler.

There were some weird kids in my class. Mick the Mastiff, Siobhan the Sheep, Shannon the Sheep, Sean the Sheep, Seamus the Sheep, Guido the Goat, Giuseppe the Greyhound, Dominic the Donkey, and Ant'ny the Anchovy. I sat next to the sheep. Mastiffs, Mafia, and meow-meows don't mix.

Did you know that Jesus on the Cross is not a plaything and should not be used as an action figure during recess?

Sister Christian cannot fly.

Our homework assignment is to go home and read Genesis. Call me a cheater, but I think I'll just listen to their best album, "Invisible Touch" instead. Pretty apropo. I AM in the Land of Cunfusion.

Actually, I'm hoping my brother Po will take me to my real school tomorrow. I miss my friends. And I sure don't want to read the Bible. It's not a pop-up book, there are no car chases. If I want to read about a carpenter, I'll take on the Bob The Builder Golden Books collection.

We had to say a prayer before we left for the day. I prayed that I could go back to my real school. Steve Irwin is my god and I want to worship in his temple of paste and dodgeballs. Catholic school is like prison. Uniforms, glorification of torture (who really wants to look at a guy being mutilated on a cross wearing a crown of thorns with blood all over his face, nails in his hands and feet, bone-thin, half-naked, a look of absolute agony on is face? Real nice learning environment, geesh!), rampant alcoholism (they give kids wine!). No way. I want to go back to my daily dose of white milk, macaroni art, and Millie.

Peace be with you? I'll be at peace once I'm back to Steve Irwin Elementary passing love notes to Millie and watching Jimmy shoot spitballs at the back of teacher's head. Now that's what I call school! I just hope I don't end up in Mr. Principal's office for missing the first day. If I do, then you better sleep with one eye open, Dad!

Amen

Independence Day!

Everybody loves birthdays, and I sure do love birthdays and today is the country's birthday so it's a pretty big birthday! It's the day that George Jefferson wrote the Decoration of Independence and told Curious George that he wasn't the boss of him anymore. And to celebrate we blow ourselves up with firecrackers and wear American flag bikinis. At camp, we honored our nation by watching an epic film about our most solemn holiday.

The great auteur Roland Emmerich has sewn together a tapestry of apocolyptic fabric to wrap us up in an imagined scenario of American bravado in the face of hostile interstellar insurgents. "Independence Day" scared the poop out of me! The jilted boyfriend from "Sleepless in Seattle" is the President!? Now that's scary.

So these big alien spaceships (that look an awful lot like the spaceships from the eighties mini-series "V") go to all the big cities in the world and the dude from "The Fly" is all smart and figures out they're big fat meanie heads and because of a convenient plot device, he's got access to the White House to try and save the world. How is it that every movie this fella is in, his love interest is totally a hottie? Although realism does creep in with the President character. You've got a young inexperienced fella with a slightly dumb look in his eye who only becomes popular after his country is attacked and he slips on a flight-suit.

And then Will Smith wakes up and he goes pee only he doesn't have any manners 'cause he pees with the door open but I guess it doesn't matter 'cause he's hooked up with a stripper who's totally hot and now my suspension of belief has been shattered because strippers never look like Vivica Fox (usually more like Redd Foxx...).

They try to say hi to the aliens but they totally screw up the whole "Close Encounters" light-show greeting and so the aliens totally go off and starts blowin' stuff up like it's Grand Theft Auto IV. I don't know how we're gonna win against them when we let Harry Connick, Jr. be a fighter pilot. We need Wedge! He's like, the only supplemental character to make it through "Star Wars", "The Empire Strikes Back", and "Return of the Jedi." Might as well put Harry in a red shirt and beam him up now.

Cousin Eddie from "Christmas Vacation" is still an alcoholic livin' in a trailer hammin' it up for comic relief. But this time his kids are Hispanic. National Lampoon's Alien Invasion...

Then the old guy from "Taxi" (no, not Jimmy Fallon) drives The Fly from New York to Washington, D.C. in less than five hours during a massive evacuation of the largest city in America. Then he just calls up his old hottie biscotti who just happens to be the aide to the President and she says, sure, come on over, and then he tells the President that he's about to be served a big ole glass of whoop-ass.

KABLAM! Every famous place in the world gets exploded!

Will Smith goes "oh no, you didn't!" and gets all Tom Cruise and gets up in his plane and fights the aliens (whose mini-ships look an awful lot like the Cylon ships in the original "Battlestar Galactica"...) and he shoots one down and goes running up to the alien ship and cold-cocks smelly alien dude and tells him "welcome to Earf!" Just remember that this is a movie and you're not supposed to welcome anybody anywhere with a punch in the face, unless it's a smelly alien that tries to blow you up. Or a giraffe.

They totally nuke Houston! That's awesome...

Holy poop! Commander Data is in this movie, only he's undercover for Starfleet 'cause he's got hippie hair and he's not in his uniform. The President tells him to show him the alien they captured and the alien makes Data talk funny and it tells them that they're all gonna die so Jayne from "Serenity" pops a cap in alien ass. The Fly gets drunk but it makes him figure out how to kill the bad guys and you've gotta be drunk to believe what he comes up with. The aliens must have built their spaceships with parts from old Apple computers 'cause The Fly just plugs his laptop right into the dashboard of the mini-ship they captured and can read all their computer screens and everything.

Deus Ex Macintosh.

So The Fly and The Fresh Prince of Bellair go up into the mother ship and "give it a cold" and it explodes in a big giant green Nyquil explosion and Cousin Eddie flies up the alien ship's butt and constipates it into oblivion. And all this great stuff happens coincidentally on the Fourth of July. It makes sense, though. Lots of explosions, hyperbole, and Will Smith. We just can't have a Fourth of July weekend now without a Will Smith vehicle to drive our patriotism. I'm sure Founding Father Gomez Adams would agree.

Fiddle-de-dumb is more like it....

I just sat through the longest movie ever in the whole world 'cause my Dad says it's my Grandma's favorite movie and I sure do like my Grandma so I said, sure, I'll watch this movie, only I didn't know I'd be six hundred years old by the time it was over, and I still don't know why it's her favorite movie 'cause she's not from the South, she doesn't have a Mammy, and she hasn't gone crazy and killed herself.

"Gone With The Wind" is a story about history which is stuff that happened in the past and where people wore big clothes and hated black people. There's this whiny girl who sounds like my sister, Stella, and she wears a big dress and she's sittin' on a swing (I sure do like to sit on the swings, but don't push me too far, or I'll puke!) and there's these two guys and they're hittin' on her and even though one of them is Superman, she doesn't care about them, she just uses them for attention, like it's an episode of "The Hills." Her name is Scarlett O'Hara and she's at a party and there's this guy she likes, only I think he's kind of a wussy boy and looks like a fish, and his name is Ashley.

Hee hee, he's got a girl name...

All the Ashley's I know are girls. Actually, brainless, flighty girls. You know, like Ashlee Simpson and Ashley Olsen. And Scarlett thinks Ashley's stupid 'cause he's gonna marry his cousin, Melanie. I sure am confused 'cause they said this was takin' place in Georgia, not West Virginia, and everybody knows you can't marry your cousin or you'll have "special" children, you know, with like, three eyes or a proclivity towards drooling.

Anyway, Scarlett gets all drooly herself over this pasty floppy foppy poppy and her Mammy tells her to shut the hell up, only I don't think that's her real Mammy 'cause they don't look related at all (bad casting). But Scarlett sneaks downstairs at the party during nap time (doesn't she know that nap time is the best time of day, other than snack time, or playtime, or petting time, or "So You Think You Can Dance" time?) and spies on her man, but instead she gets caught peekin' at Rat Butler. If she's so rich, why's she lookin' at the butler? She follows Ashley into a room and she tries to kiss him and get him to break up with his girlfriend only he won't 'cause he's a "gentleman" and he leaves and she throws a vase across the room (and she doesn't even live there and she's throwing around Ashley's stuff so I really don't think she respects him or she wouldn't break his things) and Rat Butler pops up from behind the couch and he laughs at her 'cause she's a whorin' fool and he tells her to carry a handkerchief only everybody knows only Grandmas carry hankies and usually up the sleeve of a sweater, so I'm thinkin' she's not gonna listen to him.

Then the War starts (bang a gong, it is on!) and our little Harlot O'Hara grabs the ugliest guy she can find and asks him to marry her. It's like the Bachelorette without a hot tub. But her new husband, Charles Hamilton, dies of ammonia and so now she has to wear black but this was before the days of the little black cocktail dress, so it's not as kinky as it sounds. She goes to this dance to raise money for the soldiers and Melanie (uh, she married that Ashley fella) she gives her wedding ring to "the cause" and a light from heaven shines down on her and she glows like a saint and she becomes the paragon of altruism for the remainder of this historically inaccurate portrayal of Southern hegemony. So Scarlett says, me too and gives her ring to 'the cause' but Rat Butler just laughs at her and then he bids on her like a white-slave whore in an Amsterdam shop window. But they just dance, and not even a cool dance, like a crump routine or anything, just some lame square dance. They don't even do square dancing on "Dancing With The Stars" for Jimminy Christmas sake! So far, the South sucks.

Suddenly it's Christmas and even though it doesn't snow in the South you think they'd make an effort to make it look a little Christmasy. Put up some tinsel, or blinky lights, or inflatable snowmen. You gotta cheer up those troops! Someone tries to cheer up the troops by donating money to a hospital, but she's a professional whore (unlike that amateur Scarlett) and her name is Belle (like in "Beauty and the Beast" which is a great movie 'cause the candlestick talks and he sounds funny 'cause he's got an accent, but that's not the candlestick's name, Belle. The girl in the movie is named Belle, only she's not a whore) and Belle is a friend of Rat Butler's and she's only trying to help but all the old biddies, they turned their noses up at her like she was a whore or something (that's called irony) but Miss Melanie, she of the unfloundering great benevolence, takes the money anyway and smiles at Belle and for a moment, all is right with the world.

Then BAM!!!! Sherman Helmsley attacks the city and Scarlett goes running off into the crowd and she sees Big Sam who's one of her slaves and instead of smackin' her white privileged head with the shovel he's carrying and running away in the midst of chaos and confusion, he just tips his hat and tells her that her Mom is dying, and then just saunters off with his gang of friends.

Cap'n Butler to the rescue! He swoops her up and carries her off but she's gotta go get Miss Melanie who's home all knocked up and ready to pop only Prissy, the Paris Hilton of slaves, don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies and she just wanders around pretending she can sing and Scarlett slaps her like every red-blooded American wishes they could slap a Hilton. So suddenly there's a baby only I don't remember seeing the stork (maybe he got captured by the Yankees. And why are all these people so afraid of some baseball players?) and they all load up in a cart and they go off to find Tara Reid only I don't know what she can do for them. But before they can get where they're going, Rat Butler dumps their butts on the side of the road and goes off to be war hero instead of Scarlett's lapdog.

When they get home, it's all ghetto and looks like a crack house but they go inside and they find her Dad only he's gotten goofy and her Mom is dead and they don't have anything to eat and Scarlett goes out into the field and finds a carrot in the ground and eats it like Buggs Bunny but she doesn't say "What's up , Doc?', she just whines about never going hungry again. Go to the store and buy some groceries, sheesh! Apply for food stamps! Go get a job! Tears don't pay for food!

Intermission (why such a fancy word for "pee break"?)

Scarlett starts puttin' the house back together when a damned filthy Yankee sneaks into the house and tries to steal her stuff but she shoots him in the face like a smooth-ass gangsta and buries him in the back yard like dog buries a bone (cats don't bury anything except their poop so I don't really understand this metaphor).

Then the war is over and the Yankees won and now she owes them some money only she doesn't have any so she steals Carol Burnett's idea and makes a dress out of the curtains and goes to see Cap'n Butler who turned out to be a crappy war hero 'cause he's in jail now. He's got all his money tied up in off-shore accounts so she asks her sister's beau to marry her (who I thought would be named JR 'cause her sister is Sue Ellen, after all) She wants all his money and he says yes 'cause he's a Kennedy and we all know which head Kennedy's think with around women. She totally dissed her sis! But he's a rich Kennedy (aren't they all) and they go into business with wuss-boy Ashley who survived the war because he was most likely mistaken for a girl and it's rude to shoot a girl, unless it's Angelina Jolie and your name is Brad Pitt and you just found out you've both been hired to snuff out the same target.

One day on the way home from the mill she owns, Scarlett is attacked by a band of ruthless paparazzi and so Ashley and Rhett and Frank (that's our Kennedy friend) go out and try and beat the crap out of these guys only they get their butts handed to them 'cause Ashley gets shot and Frank is killed. So now that she's single again, little miss Erica Kane gets married again, only this time to Cap'n Butler. He builds her a McMansion in the 'burbs and they have a kid and name her "Bonnie Blue" which is, like, a stupid name 'cause when you name a kid after a color, you're just askin' for trouble (it's not like Pink is an easy listening artist...). Scarlett has everything so naturally she still wants her little girly-man Ashley. Makes as much sense as Ethan Hawke cheatin' on Uma Thurman with that cow of a nanny (and cows make terrible nanny's 'cause all they do is eat and fart and why pay someone to do that, unless they're gonna be on "Big Brother"?). So Rat Butler decides to take his woman! And he carries her up the biggest flight of stairs in the world and then they go into a room, and then it's morning! I think I got a bad copy of this movie 'cause I didn't see what they did next! Whatever it was, it sure made Scarlett happy (maybe he bought her a Lexus 'cause that's what all the spoiled girls get on "My Super Sweet 16").

Rat Butler decides to go on vacation to London with Bonnie (I totally would have taken her to Disney World...it's only one state over!) but she hates it and wants to go home (totally should have taken her to the Magic Kingdom...) and so they go home and when they get home he says he wants to leave again only she says he can't cause she gonna have a baby (maybe this time I'll see the stork come) only they both wish they weren't having a baby so Rat Butler jinx's her and she falls down the stairs. Then, 'cause karma is a fickle bitch, Bonnie gets killed when she falls off her pony. If she had gotten a My Little Pony instead of a real one, this wouldn't have happened, and then Rat Butler goes and shoots that poor pony! What the hell kind of horror movie is this!? I guess if you're evil enough to own slaves, shootin' a pony is nothing.

Then Melanie gets sick, again (it's like an episode of "House" with this woman) and she dies and Scarlett realizes that now that she can have Ashley, she doesn't want him after all (who wrote this crap?) and runs home to tell Rat how much she loves him but he's totally sick and tired of her crap and leaves her ass. So she gets all whiny and is all, like, what am I gonna do? And Rat, total bad-ass that he is, just puts on his pimp hat and tells her "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Boo-yah, toast! Take that, you selfish hootchie cracker beeotch! Smack!

Rat Butler is totally awesome.

So, just like a Beverly Hills celebutant, she shrugs it off with a pithy "tomorrow is another day...." Nice attitude. Your husband just left you, you've had a miscarriage, lost a child, your only friend just died and you just toss off a casual colloquialism? I sat through a third of my life to watch all this crap happen to her and she's all, just, whatever? I hope when she gets upstairs her Mammy slaps the crap out of her.

I sure did like this movie, you betcha!

Since I liked "O, Brother, Where Art Thou" 'cause it has George Clooney in it, I thought I should watch another movie that's got George Clooney in it, and I sure do like George Clooney 'cause he's Mr. Cool Hollywood and all the girls like him so if I can be like George Clooney then I'll be sure to get Millie this year once we get back to school. So I better watch some more George Clooney pictures. And if we was cool enough to be in one of the Coehn Brothers' movies, he's just gotta be in another one, right?

No, wrong! This movie, "Fargo", has, like, some of the ugliest people I've ever seen in a movie. There's this guy who wears a lot of brown corduroy and he's real funny lookin', you know, just, like, uh, you know, funny lookin'. And he gets paid by the dad from "Pleasantville" to kidnap his wife 'cause she left him to go live on Wisteria Lane, and he's funny lookin' too, only he talks, funny, too, you're darned tootin'.

So, um, the first five minutes are the only part of the whole movie that takes place in Fargo, so I really think this title was a misnomer, only, who really wants to spend two hours in Fargo? Heck, they pay people now just to stay and live in North Dakota. Those people must be real rich.

And the dad, his name is Jerry, he's a car salesman, so already you know he's a total loser, and he he must be a big Bill Cosby fan 'cause he wears a lot of sweaters. He's a big loser 'cause he's stealin' from his dad-in-law even though he lets him work for him and everything, so not only is he an ungrateful lyin' stealin' bastard, he's not even cooperatin' with him!

So instead of gettin' pancakes (which are really fun when you make a face on them with your bacon and eggs or you can make Mickey Mouse pancakes, or chocolate chip pancakes which is like eatin' dessert for breakfast, so I don't know why they didn't stop and get pancakes), funny lookin' guy and his friend, Mute, they um, go to Jerry's house and they see the Mom sittin' on the couch knittin' another sweater for Jerry and when she sees them standin' outside on the patio she doesn't do anything until they start breakin' the door and if she had half a brain she would have already been on the damned phone callin' the cops! They break in and she bites Mute and runs upstairs and he says "unguent" and goes upstairs to get some 'cause if you're already breakin' and entering to kidnap someone, you can kinda help yourself to whatever you like, I guess. When he's in the bathroom, she jumps out of the shower with the shower curtain on her face 'cause she must be kind of retarded or something (and I know she sounds retarded, too, but everybody sounds retarded from Minnesota, except Prince, 'cause he's a sexy motherf....). You can't run very far with a shower curtain on your face, so she falls down the stairs and now is conveniently wrapped up to be carted off.

But they get pulled over on their way out of town and funny lookin' guy tries to bribe the cop only the cops are totally honest there in Minnesota 'cause everybody is mostly like Garrison Keillor and just tries to be nice, unless you're a car dealer, a funny lookin' guy, or a mute. So funny lookin' guy, who doesn't have a name in this movie, so let's call him Steve ('cause he looks like he might not be from Minnesota and Steve isn't really a Minnesota-sounding name...), he shoots Mr. Policeman and this car goes by and Louie Anderson is in it and he gets chased by Mute and they get into an accident and he doesn't even call a tow-truck, he just shoots them instead (maybe his AAA membership expired and he couldn't afford a tow truck...).

There's this lady cop who's gonna have a baby and her husband hates her 'cause he makes her work in a dangerous job where she's gotta wear a lot of heavy stuff and he just sits home in his p.j.s and paints ducks, but he's nice sometimes and makes her some eggs, which is kinda Freudically weird in that she's got an egg growing inside her and she eats and egg which is her subconscious telling her that the egg that will become her young will eat her career unless she eats it first. But she pukes it up later, so, oh well.

The bad guys must have taken the kidnapping job 'cause they can't afford heat or color TV. But since they killed some people they have to ask for more money 'cause they know they're gonna have to get lawyers and lawyers are expensive and you can't really defend yourself in court if you get caught, unless it's like The People's Court, but I don't think they do murder trials, but if they did, boy oh boy would Judge Judy be fun to watch! Since they asked for more money, Jerry has to try and sell a parking lot, only his father in law isn't a bank, Jerry. Yeah, we're not a bank Jerry, so go throw a temper tantrum with your window scraper, Jerry.

Then Steve goes to a rock concert starring Jose Felicty Ono at a hotel and then does the boom-chick-a-boom with this bottom-barrel Barbra Streisand-lookin' girl and a big giant Indian comes in and beats Steve with a belt. He knows Steve is bad 'cause you only get hit with the belt if you've been bad, or you're German. So Steve calls Jerry and tells him to bring his money now only Jerry is a doofus and can't do anything right (remember, he's a car salesman) so Mr. Father In Law goes instead and he puts on his big green parka (he looks like a geriatric Incredible Michelin Man Hulk) and he goes up to a parking garage and after they argue, Steve shoots old guy but old guy shoots Steve in the face (must be a Steve thing 'cause that Steve guy on Jackass is always gettin' shot in the face with something). I don't think Steve was gonna give the mom back 'cause she wasn't even in the car so it was gonna be a bad day for Gramps anyway.

But it was a worse day for the parking garage attendant who gets totally blasted away by Steve and Jerry goes up tothe garage to see what's goin' on and he puts gramps in the trunk and goes home and acts like nothin' happened. Jerry must be in the mafia. They're dead-people-in-the-trunk-and-fuggedaboutit-people. You're darned tootin'.

For no reason at all there's this guy named Mike Nakamura who stalks pregnant cop at the Raddison and tells her he always liked her only I'm not sure I would be makin' passes at a married pregnant woman who is fully armed. And he doesn't even work at Honeywell. No, he still lives at home with his parents.

And then she eats at the Hardee's drivethru. I like Hardee's only they don't have Hardees out in the west where I live, they just have Carl's Jr., which is the same thing as a Hardees, only with bigger food.

See. I can just throw some randomness in the middle of my story, too...

Then pregnant cop lady visits Jerry at his work and he gets all upset 'cause he's cooperatin' here! He's probably stressed 'cause he went to work with a dead body in the trunk of his car. So he flees the interview, he flees the interview! Then pregnant cop lady takes the scenic way home and finds her tan sierra, tan sierra!, and sneaks around the house and finds Mute stuffin' Steve into the wood chipper 'cause it's easier to split a funny lookin' guy than it is a car. How do you split a car? Mute sees her only he doesn't register that she's a cop until she points to the badge on her hat, that goes with her cop uniform and the cop gun she has pointed at him. He throws a log at her (it's log, it's log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood, it's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good!) and she shoots him in the leg. Then she uses the Force to lug his 260 pound murderous frame into her patrol car all by herself.

Jerry gets arrested in a hotel. Sure, he'll get charged with kidnapping, conspiracy, fraud, accessory to murder, but I think he might get child abandonment charges, too. Is anybody thinkin' about how he just up and left his kid at home all alone? It's not like he was Macaully Culkin or anything.

Then Mr. Pregnant Cop can't even celebrate the successful arrest his wife made. No, he's gotta be Mr. Center-of-Attention and brag about his stupid duck painting. Hey, your pregnant working wife just shot a guy and watched a funny lookin' fella get liquified before her very eyes. Way to comfort your meal ticket, bub. Awww, the heck you say.

At least George Clooney is gonna be in the next Coehn Brother's film, and not a funny lookin' fella in sight. They're cooperatin' with me! You're darned tootin'!

Top Gun, a revised review....

Today I took the highway to the danger zone and watched a movie about volleyball players who fly airplanes. It's called "Top Gun" and it was super cool 'cause it's got a guy in it called Goose. Any guy named after a bird is okay in my book. Plus it's got really really important actors in it like Val Kilmer (only he's a guy, not a girl even though he has a girls name). He's important 'cause he's in all the top movies, like this one, "Top Gun" and "Top Secret".

So Tom Cruise is this pilot and he's all crazy and wild (like we couldn't figure this out from watchin' Oprah) and they call him a loose cannon, just like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon (who really is a loose cannon). His boss is the dad from Steel Magnolias only he doesn't wear that stupid hat, just a stupid mustache like he always does. Thank goodness the planes aren't painted blush and petal. And the teacher is this Amish chick only Maverick, that's Tom Cruise, doesn't know she his teacher and he tries to pick her up in a bar by singing "You Lost That Lovin' Feeling". He doesn't even know her, how can he know that she lost her feelings? Mr. Rogers says you should share your feelings, so maybe she let somebody borrow her feelings and they forgot to give them back. And everybody knows you're not supposed to sing to Amish chicks 'cause their hairy old grampas will come out and yell at you in the barn...just ask Harrison Ford. So you becareful out there among the English, Tom Cruise.

Before he gets a chance to humilliate himself at the altar of bad karaoke he goes toe to toe with the Iceman (that's Val Kilmer). He doesn't look like the guy from Memento but he sure does have a short memory 'cause every time he talks to Maverick he tells him he's dangerous. Can't he remember that's the only thing he says to him everytime? He should tattoo what he says to his body so he can remember what he says and since he always seems to talk to Maverick in a towel in the locker-room, Tom Cruise could just read it off his body and then Val Kilmer wouldn't have to say anything at all, just do that weird bite thing he does to look fierce. Speaking of bites, these two were made for each other 'cause they both have enormous glimmery white shiny teeth. But Carrie-Anne Moss is nowhere to be seen in this bar so it should be safe to drink the beer. And it is a safe bar 'cause Patrick Swayze is nowhere to be seen, although something tells me he'd fit right into this movie...

So they get to the school and they play tag in planes 'cause tag is a fun game only you can't play freeze tag in a plane or you'd crash and they play some real hardcore tag 'cause there's no base to go to be safe from being tagged. I like playing tag at school 'cause it's kinda cool when Millie runs after me and tries to touch me and sometimes she doesn't mean to but she touches my tail and I get all fluffy and embarassed. But you can't touch tails in planes or you'll crash so I guess Maverick and Iceman will have to touch tails in the locker-room.

Then Maverick gets him and his Goose in trouble by playing out of bounds and Goose begs Maverick to play nice or he'll have to quit and go to med school and move to Chicago and get a brain tumor and die, and he's already had a crappy life being made fun of at college and being picked on by Ted McGinley.

So Maverick finally gets a date with teacher chick. To get ready, he doesn't go buy a new suit or get a haircut or nothing like that. No, to get ready for his big date he goes and plays beach volleyball with his man-crush Iceman. And he isn't even prepared for that 'cause he doesn't have his swim trunks on. He's wearin' jeans and everybody knows you're not supposed to wear street clothes during gym time. When he's done he doesn't even get all gussied up for teacher chick or nothin', no shower, no change of clothes, just wears those sweaty sand-covered jeans and he's a pilot for goodness sake! He's got those cool uniforms to wear and chicks love a fella in uniform, so he totally could have wowed her only he decides to use his Scientology brain washing to make her love him just like he did to Katie Holmes.

Then Meg Ryan shows up all cute and cuddly and thankfully reduced to a small supporting role as a supporting character's wife.

They play fighter pilot tag again only this time Maverick breaks his plane and they have to eject and he kills his partner and best friend Goose. This part of the movie sucks 'cause they killed off the only likable character! And now we're gonna have to watch Tom Cruise get all mopey and self-doubting and everybody knows this is so unrealistic 'cause Tom Cruise never has self-doubt. But this is the directors chance to show the human side of our hero so just roll with it...

So after the dad from Poison Ivy (don't tell my Mom I saw that movie, I thought it was an Uma Thurman spin-off movie) slaps Maverick around and tells him to stop being a wussy boy like Luke Skywalker, Maverick gets back in his plane and tries again to be Mr. Hot Shot (wasn't that Charlie Sheen?) only he freaks out and quits only he finds out that Iceman got named Top Gun instead of him, but he shouldn't worry about Val Kilmer gettin' more famous than him 'cause an Oscar didn't really do much for Mira Sorvino, either.

So he comes back and gets sent to the Indiana Ocean to fight bad guys. And they go up in the planes and there's a lot of flyin' around, for like six hours or something and you can't tell the stupid planes apart and Iceman gets in trouble and Maverick saves him 'cause thats what Tom Cruise does: "saves" people. There's no Death Star or anything to blow up so the fight ends when the Queen-like guitar solo starts and they land and Iceman tells Maverick "you can be my wingman anytime" and Maverick sets him straight and says "no, you can be mine" 'cause Tom Cruise is second banana to no one. And then they hug and dance and hug some more. For a second I thought they were gonna go below deck for a "debriefing."

But he ends up with his teacher in the end and I'm assuming she got fired 'cause that's totally against the rules, but his name is Maverick, so whatcha gonna do? Of course, this is bad news for Kelly McGillis 'cause she's never heard from again....

I don't think he's all that wonderful....

Today we saw a movie that was made in the olden days, like a hundred years ago and it was called "The Wizard of Oz" and I sure do like wizards 'cause Michael Jordan was a Wizard and Michael Jordan is super cool. But I don't think he was in this movie, but he was in "Space Jam" and "Space Jam" is cool 'cause it has Buggs Bunny in it and I like bunnies 'cause I'm fluffy like a bunny and who doesn't love a bunny?

Glenn Close. That's who doesn't love a bunny....

So I kinda had to fast forward through the first part 'cause I think my tape was broken 'cause it didn't have any color. Besides, that Dorothy chick sings that stupid song about rainbows but she really doesn't have any idea what the hell she's singing about 'cause she never mentions the leprechauns or the pot of gold or the Lucky Charms or the Gay Pride Parade that are always at the end of the rainbow. But then it got scary 'cause a big storm came and her family just left her outside. Of course this was the Great Depression, so they must have figured if she got wiped away by a tornado then there'd be one less mouth to feed. So they go in the cellar and they leave Dorothy and Toto alone in the house. Someone better call the ASPCA on these cruel heartless bastards for leavin' a poor old dog out in a storm like that. Not that I'm a big fan of dogs, 'cause I'm a cat, but us housepets gotta stick together!

So she gets sucked up in the tornado, just like the dust in those Dyson vaccuum commercials, and she lands on a finalist for "What Not To Wear" and all you see stickin' out from the house is these feet and these Pippi Longstocking socks and it's totally not realistic 'cause there's no blood and guts or nothin'. Then these Oompah Loompahs come out and they sing to her 'cause that's what you do when a big giant house comes crashin' outta the sky and kills someone. No, no, don't call the Midget Police or anything, just go around handin' out lollipops to strangers. Stupid Dorothy. You're not supposed to take candy from Stranger Danger!

Then this big bubble comes over and a princess pops out and she's supposed to be all magical but she's an amateur 'cause she can't even help Dorothy get to a FEMA shelter. So she steals the dead chick's shoes and tells her to go running off on her own into the wilderness. Wow, there sure are lots of good lessons for kids in this movie!

So off she goes, no map, no GPS, no survival supplies. Soon she runs into a scarecrow who starts talkin' to her and she decides, sure, I'll dance with Stranger Danger and let him go with me off into God-knows-where. This is not a very bright girl. And she just keeps rackin' up men like a Tila Tequila wannabe. Next thing you know she's got a fella she doesn't know following her with an axe!

Then comes the totally humilliating part. There's this, um, lion, and he's a totall wuss-boy, only everybody knows that lions are not wuss-boys 'cause one just ate a guy in San Diego not so long ago, so this was totally unbelievable. But if he's gonna be all scaredy-cat, he picked a perfect group 'cause you got a fella with an axe who could totally just chop up that silly lion but instead he just shakes like Randall P MacMurphy gettin' electroshock treatment.

But then there's this scary Wicked Witch of the West, and I live in the west, so now I'm really gonna have trouble sleepin'! She rides a broom (saves on gas) and has superpowers like The Human Torch from Fantastic Four 'cause she totally throws fireballs at the scarecrow guy but they run away and they end up in this really nice field with all these pretty flowers and the Wicked Witch puts a spell on them and they fall asleep only I don't think it was a spell, I think it was all the opium they were snortin' from all those poppies. So instead of getting them into a drug-treatment program, the Bubble chick just makes it snow on them so that they wake up and they're all happy (duh...) and they get to the Emerald City and they go inside and there's a horse that changes colors just like My Little Pony. The Emerald City must be in California 'cause they stop and go to the spa and they have to go see the wizard to get their idea for getting home green-lighted (it is the Emerald City) so it's like goin' to the Skywalker Ranch to see George Lucas only he looks more like Karl Rove 'cause he's got this big head that looks like he has encephaelitus. The Wizard makes them go get the broomstick of the Wicked Witch, like Dorothy is his maid or something.

So they go to her castle and they sneak in and they get caught. And just like every Bond villian ever, the witch doesn't kill Dorothy immediately like she should. Instead, she makes Dorothy wait in a room with a big oversized game timer and her friends rescue her and they get chased all over. So the witch decides to set the scarecrow on fire, again (boring...) so Dorothy grabs a very conveniently placed bucket of water and throws it at the scarecrow only she misses from like two feet away and she hits the witch instead who melts away. Now I got two questions: if she melts when water touches her, then why are there buckets of water laying around, and if these blue buffoons are so happy she's dead, why didn't they just bust a coup d'etat on her butt? She had to use flying monkeys and an army of Booberry-lookin freaks to catch Dorothy, so it's not like they couldn't have taken her...

They go back to Greentown and give the stick to George Lucas only Toto proves that all those special effects are nothing but crap and so he gives the Tin Man a watch when he asked for a heart, gives Scarecrow a Community College degree 'cause the first thing he spouts about a triangle is totally wrong, and instead of slappin' the lion across the face and tellin' him to be a man, he stabs him in the chest with a pin. Then the wizard says they just gotta take a hot-air balloon to Kansas. Why the hell didn't he just offer her the ride in the first place? But he's an idiot and takes off without her so the bubble chick shows up and says she only had to click her heels and say some stuff and she could go home. So we've got a scarecrow who has gotten unnecessary multiple burns, structural damage to the Emerald City from the lion jumpin' out a window, another dead witch and the accidental eviction of the wizard from his hometown when all of this could have been averted had the bubble bimbo mentioned this in the first place.

After insulting the tin man and lion by playing favorites she clicks her way back to Kansas and to the black and white world, the Depression, the Dust Bowl, and the family that wanted her dead. I don't know why she went back.

Probably for revenge.....

More aliens!

After a disappointing movie that was supposed to be about aliens I sure was skeptical about the next movie we were gonna see. The title sounds like it might deliver so I decided to sit my fluffy little butt down and watch this one. But if this one sucks, too, I'm gonna be really really angry and you don't want to see me when I'm angry....

Today we watched "Aliens."

There's this fro-wearin' chick who is sleepin' and she gets car-jacked by astronauts and when she gets home it's like in the future of the future and she has nightmares and the guy from My Two Dads tells her she has to go on a roadtrip with him back where she just came from only she doesn't want to go 'cause her old friend there got food poisoning and his stomach exploded (must be Mexico). But she gets tired of not sleeping and says okay she'll go. Then it gets really really scary!

She has this kitty cat and he's orange and fluffy and cute and cuddly and she just goes off and leaves him all alone with no friends 'cause it's the future and all his other cat friends are long dead and he's all alone and she doesn't even care about him, she just goes running off with some flannel-wearin'-mullet-headed-Helen-Hunt-co-starrin'-fool. Poor kitty! He's gotta be scared being all alone in the future without anybody to take care of him! Well let me tell you, I sure don't want to go to the future 'cause nobody loves kitties in the future and if you can't love a kitty then you might as well be a robot.

Oh, there's a robot in this movie and his name is Bishop and fro-chick, uh, her name is Ripley (believe it or not), she doesn't like him and she's mean to him. He should change his name Mr. Kitty.

So Ripley goes off with Mr. My Two Dads and he brings his pals the Marines 'cause they're gonna go see if some people are okay and they get frozen and they go in space and then they get there and they get unfrozen and there's a Marine who is a girl but looks like a dude and the guy who turns into a pile of poo in Weird Science is there and John Conner is there, too(I think planet LB 486 is a great place to hide from Skynet). So they go fly down to the planet and they get in a big black Hummer and they go try and find the missing people and they look in the basement and it looks like the inside of someone's nose 'cause the walls are all goobery and gloopy and they find the people stuck in the walls like big old boogers and when they try and get them out it wakes up the big bad aliens.

Woo hoo! Aliens! Finally I get to see aliens! Only these don't look like Ewoks at all. They kind of look like giant ball-peen hammers. They must be on Planet Home Depot.

So the aliens chase the marines back to their car and they get in and they get away and they go back to the base and they say, uh, let's go home now, so they call a taxi only an alien eats the taxi driver and the taxi crashes and they're stuck on the planet with the aliens that eat people and the pile of poo guy starts screamin' "game over man, game over!" And there's this little girl there who they found and her name is Newt and she says they have to go inside 'cause they mostly come out at night, mostly, only it always looks like night on that planet to me. It's always rainin' and foggy and cloudy and ugly. It must be the planet Oregon.

So, um, Ripley and Newt go take a nap 'cause when aliens are threatening to come and eat you, you should go take a snooze. And then Mad About You Guy puts some baby aliens that he found in the room with them only these babies aren't cute like Muppet Babies, they're horny babies, like the Spears girls, and they try and suck face with Ripley only she kills them and when the marines decide to punish mullet boy the aliens attack and he gets eaten by one anyway so I guess karma exists in outer space, too.

And then Newt gets sucked into the sewer and they have to go get her but the alien gets her first and turns her into a booger and Ripley finds her in this room with all these eggs, only they aren't fun eggs like the ones the Easter Bunny leaves, and she grabs Newt out of the snot and it wakes up the big old momma-jamba queen alien who looks like she's attached to a big giant large intestine, and momma yells at Ripley so Ripley decides it would be best to make this big super-sized alien mad and she totally burns all the eggs with a flame thrower, although I don't know why she didn't just shoot the momma alien with the big ole gun she had instead.

So they run to the elevator and it's not a very good elevator 'cause it doesn't have any music to listen to on the way up and momma alien goes up the other elevator and Bishop comes and rescues them at the last second. Ripley better like him now.

But momma alien got on the ship, too and she rips Bishop in two and he must be a kitty cat robot 'cause he's all full of milk and he explodes milk all over and it's really really gross. So Ripley gets in a robot suit and they fight and Ripley calls the momma alien a bad word and they fight some more and then Ripley sends momma alien packin' and boots her out of the space ship and saves the day.

Somebody told me that this movie was completely pointless 'cause in the next movie they kill everyone who makes it except for Ripley who should die anyway for leavin' poor kitty all alone in the first place back on earth. I mean, all that nonsense just to get killed in your freezer-sleep? Why did I waste my time caring about these characters if they die anyway?

What? David Fincher directed that next movie?

Oh, well, then that makes perfect sense.....