The Golden Globes

My Mom said she was excited 'cause there was this award show coming on called The Golden Globes. Why the hell would I want to watch a show where they congratulate countries and continents and hemispheres and stuff like that? And the globe isn't gold, it's green and blue.

But then my Mom said it was about movies and I sure do like movies, so I said, okay, I'll watch it, but there better not be any lame-o dance routines choreographed, as always, by Claire Huxtable's sister. Or pictures of dead people where the audience claps. Why are you clapping? Are you glad they're dead? Probably, because they always clap more loudly for the more famous people, which means they're really really glad that their competition is gone. Boy, Hollywood sure is cut-throat.

So J-Lo pops out (literally and figuratively) to tell everybody to shut up and pay attention to her 'cause she thinks she's still relevant (yeah, that Skeletor dude really helped your career, didn't he?). She certainly has lived up to her last good movie role: Out of Sight.

Then they gave Rose from Titanic an award for crying in a movie. If you cry a lot, or play a retard, you usually win an award. Look at Mickey Rourke: he fried his brains stupid and, sure enough, he won an award. Tracey Morgan looks and talks like a retard, and 30-Rock wins, too. There are exceptions to this rule: Meryl Streep had to be mentally unbalanced to star in Mamma Mia, but no award for her. No, they gave it to Rose, again, for crying a lot. I cried when my Mom threatened to take me to see Mamma Mia, but I didn't even get a nomination.

And I stopped caring about the TV awards when Dr House didn't win. Cripple always trumps emotional train-wrecks. But I knew it was all crap when Monk didn't even win. If OCD and Crippled-Drug-Addict can't beat Retro-Chain-Smoker, then something's not right. But then again, these awards are given out by foreigners. Have you ever met a foreigner that didn't smoke? FIXED! FIXED, I tell you!

Consider this: Which movie took the most awards? That's right: Slumdog Millioniare. Made by a foreigner, set in foreigner-land, and starring foreigners. And they won awards from....the Hollywood FOREIGN Press. Oh, yeah, let's see...who won Best Actor in a Comedy? Colin Farell, an IRISHMAN in a movie set in BELGIUM. Where the hell is Oliver Stone when you need him!?

Need another example? Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Tom Wilkinson. A BRIT nominated for playing two famous...Americans. A BRIT won an award for playing a FOUNDING FATHER. That's treason!

Speaking of aliens, they gave the lifetime achievement award to Stephen Spielberg, a man who's last couple of movies have been made and are about Europe: Saving Private Ryan (Europe), Schindler's List (Europe), Munich (Europe). Even his older movies are all about non-Americans: E.T. (alien), A.I. (again, aliens), Close Encounters (aliens). Heck, even Dr, Jones taught in England and never went exploring for treasure in the good old US of A (instead, we get stuck with Nick Cage....). And so the Hollywood FOREIGN Press gives it's lifetime achievement to a man who films all things not-American.

Now, the one thing they got right, in this humble cat's opinion, was giving Heath Ledger the award for Best Supporting Actor. But then again, Heath was an Aussie.So I guess I'm looking forward to the Oscars in hopes that the US brings home some gold. I'm rooting for The Dark Knight. Oh, wait. Damnit! Even something as American as BATMAN has been taken over by foreigners! The director's a Brit, the butler's a Brit, even BATMAN HIMSELF is a Brit.

I guess I'll just wait for the Kid's Choice Awards on Nickelodeon: I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus will win something.....